Thursday, December 30, 2010

Before the parade passes by

We recently chose to get rid of our cable. It was hard for me to do it. Or at least to want to do it. When we moved to Germany, we could not afford cable there. So, I would watch movies. Then we finally got the hook up for AFN (Armed Forces Network), which was free, but still wasn't all that great, and was full of commercials of the military trying to brainwash you. "You just gave me your phone number, I could be a terrorist!!!!" (said in a very menacing voice with a somewhat normal guy saying it. seriously, I am not making this up.). So, after two and a half years of that, coming back to the states to all these channels was amazing! While we were getting used to the time, we would watch the history channel, the kids would watch the Disney channel. It was amazing.

Four years later, after having cable everywhere we move, we have gotten rid of it. It will save us money, and save us from watching stupid shows.

But here is my problem.

I grew up in Southern California. And while I don't ever remember sitting down and watching the entire thing, every New Years Day, the Rose Parade would be on. I never actually went to the Rose Parade (sleeping on a sidewalk by choice with a bunch of strange people never really sounded too exciting to me) it was only 20 minutes away. Since we have moved away from Southern California, I like to sit and watch the Rose Parade. Those mountains in the background are MY mountains, the ones I would look at every day. That blue sky with NO CLOUDS. The warm temps. And then, the marching bands from the local high schools. Especially the ones that I had friends going to growing up, or even my school. I doubt there are many others that cry when they watch a marching band, but gosh darn it, I do. My kids aren't too interested in the parade, so it's usually just me sitting and watching it.

But this year, we have no cable. Not even local channels. I told my husband he better find me a way to watch the Rose Parade. He then asked, "live??" I told him yes, if possible.

I may just go to my neighbors. We're tight like that. Plus, they have a bigger TV.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So, yeah.....

Well, isn't this blog sad. Haven't posted for almost a month. I have to say, I have been busy. I also have thought about my glad game and have tried to focus on the good parts of these dreary days.

I've also thought, why the heck do I have a blog if I don't use it? I think the answer is: I've become gun-shy. I'm afraid of sharing too much, or saying too much. Maybe I should just try it and see how it goes. So.......

A few weeks ago, I went to an arraignment. We sat through about five people before the person we were there for had their turn. The people before her were interesting. Two had jumped bail, then were found a month later, holed up on a roof, hiding from the cops with guns and drugs. While the judge was telling the first defendant of her fate (no bail, amongst other things) she starts crying. (All this was done on video. They were in the other building with video cameras in each room. The more I think about it, the smarter I think that is) So, as we can see her get upset and cry, I am thinking, um, are you serious??? Are you a complete moron? You JUMPED BAIL. Remand is all you're going to get honey. Suck it up. You want to hide on the roof and try to shoot at cops?? Anyway, the entire experience of going to a courtroom, being near the jail, seeing the others in the courtroom, listening to the procedures and watching the lawyers (especially the one for the defendants. He was rolling his eyes so many times I lost count.) was a huge learning experience for me, and for the person that we were there for. So, that is what I really think about that.

A few months ago, I got a phone call from my RS pres (the president of the local church woman's group) about a new person that had recently moved into the ward. She told me some information about her, in hopes that I would be able to help her out with a situation that she had. I called her, and was able to do what was needed. We also took their children to the church Halloween party as she was not feeling well. (some of what she needed was due to some extensive health problems.) My husband gets asked to be her home teacher. He does his best to call, go over and make sure things have been taken care of. Throughout this time, they still haven't come to church. Then, for whatever reason, they stop returning phone calls. The RS pres calls, my husband calls, I call....and nothing. We only have one phone number. People tried to stop by, no one would answer, or no one was home. I have to admit, it was irritating. People in the ward had done quite a bit for them, and now nothing??? Well, a little over a week ago, I got a phone call from my RS pres again. They had finally called back, she had had her surgery, and would I be able to take them dinner? It was 1600, I was at the store with my kids. I picked up a rotisserie chicken and a few sides (making sure of the one sons two big allergies) and go to their house. NO ONE ANSWERED THE DOOR. And of course, no one answered the phone when I called. Got another phone call the next day and found out that the husband had went Christmas shopping and left his wife at home, sleeping. She then asked if I could take over the dinner from yesterday for that night. Um, we ate the chicken. I am SO BUGGED over this. WHY can people not return phone calls? One simple call. You don't have to call all of us back, just one would be good enough. Just one phone call. I am to the point where I don't want to do anything for them at all.

So, there you go. That is how I really feel. It's not terribly nice, but it is how I feel. It actually feels good to write it down. I should do this more often, then I wouldn't hold onto it for so long.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Days 4 & 5

Yesterday I was glad that the work thing we had to go to didn't end up as painful as I thought it would be.

Today I am glad that I didn't make dinner. I am also glad that the sun was out for a little while today, and for an amazing sunset that we saw on our way to the store I hate the most.

Anyone else have something they want to share?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Glad game day 3

Today, even though it was freezing all day (ice on my windshield this morning) I'm glad the SUN CAME OUT!! I laid down in front of my sliding glass doors in the sun for at least an hour today. It felt so good to feel the sun warming my face. It is truly amazing how different I feel on days when the sun is out. I hate that my body is so dependent on it, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I just do the best I can.

Anything you're glad for?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I'm doing it

Sorry, missed yesterday. I had a busy day.

Yesterday, I was glad that even though it was damp and dreary, I have a decent car to go places in that keeps me safe, warm, and dry.

Today, I'm glad that even though I hate Walmart, it is good that there is one in town.

Anything you're glad for today?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Just call me Mrs. Snow

You want to know what? I am not a fan of winter. Especially when I live in places that actually have a big temperature drop, and the weather completely changes. Like when I see clouds instead of sun 90% of the time. Or when it's cold, wet, rainy/snowy and all around miserable outside.

For the last month, I have felt like I was walking through really thick mud. Barely able to move my legs to make any progression to get out of the darn mud. Which means my house, as well as myself, is falling apart. I thought after going through one of these winters, that I might be more ready for this one. That theory has been proven wrong.

So, along with my daily dosage of Vitamin D3, daily exercise, and sitting in front of my high spectrum light while I read my scriptures, I need to do something more. And last night, I was watching one of my favorite movies from when I was a kid: Pollyanna. I know the whole thing by heart, I had seen it so many times as a kid. Anyway, I started to think. I need the glad game. I am one of those old, crotchety people. All I need to do is have a change in attitude. Yeah, winter really sucks. I have no energy, no motivation, and I have a hard time staying warm and then I really get grumpy. But there ARE things that I can be glad about. Starting this month, and for as long as I need a pick me up (and really, it's cold until May here, so sad) I am going to play the glad game. You can play with me and leave a comment, or you can do it on your own blog. I need to find happiness, to find the good. And really, if you just look, it will be there.

Tomorrow, my first glad post.

Today, I am glad I have a slow cooker.

Your turn..........

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Boatloads and boatloads of frustration.

But I'm only going to share one of them here.


Some days I love it. Some days I want to bang my head against the wall.

The things I hate the most??? Politics and religion. There is this one person that 95% of the time all he posts are scriptures from the Book of Mormon. I, being LDS, have no problem with the Book of Mormon. But today, he quoted something about when the voice of the people choose iniquity then they will be destroyed.....oh my freaking gosh. Really? So, just because the Democrats won in your state they are choosing iniquity? I love it. I wonder how Harry Reid feels about that. (To be clear, I fall to the conservative side of things, but I don't believe that either side has it right. If I spent the time to really get into it, I'm sure I'd fall somewhere in the middle. Anyway, back to what I was saying......) I get that we get to choose how we use things like blogs and Facebook. I guess I just don't understand why they think that sharing those sorts of things on Facebook is appropriate. Needless to say, I will be deleting this person shortly. I can't handle it anymore.

Last week, there was even someone that told people WHO to vote for, and which prop or whatever it is they call them around here to vote yes or no or approve. Again, why is Facebook an appropriate place for this?

Last year, someone was very upset about our President talking to the school children and wanted everyone to pull their kids out of school and how she wasn't going to let that man indoctrinate her children. She linked to an article some crazy lady wrote likening him to Hitler and some other crazy fear mongering type of stuff. Really? Seriously.

After reading this sort of stuff, I have made myself my own personal Facebook rules. Here they are in no particular order.
1. Do not comment or post on religious themed articles or status updates
2. Do not comment or post on political themed articles or status updates.
3. Keep everything light, and use Facebook as a way to keep in contact with people.

I think that is pretty basic. I'm working on sticking to it. Sometimes I can't help myself, but I usually am able to hold off.

If there is anyone still reading this, what do you think? Do you have the same frustrations with Facebook? Do you feel like some use it as their own personal soapbox? I think I need to do some deleting of friends before I start to lose my mind.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

This is my life

This is my life my friends. The laundry hamper that can't seem to make it to it's home on top of the dryer. The lego container sitting in the middle of the floor. Wii accessories helter skelter, with the drawer where they belong still open. Pillows all in a pile on the couch rather than in their artistically strategic places. A folder that should be in a backpack ready for tomorrow. The ottoman covered in a bunch of stuff.

I could go crazy and make every one's life miserable by having them put it all away right when it's bedtime. But I decided a long time ago that my home would never be a museum. We LIVE here.

So, when you come to my house, remember that we LIVE here. Which means crumbs, shoes, balled up socks, and headbands strewn about. Perhaps someday, when my children are gone, I'll have one of those houses. You know, those spotless, immaculate, beautifully decorated, sweet smelling, vacuum lines still on the carpet, houses. But I'm good with this. Besides, true happiness isn't a perfect home. It's this regular old life stuff.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Did you know October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?

I always seem to forget.

Ever since two years ago, October has been a very cloudy month for me. It would be lovely to just be knocked out for the entire thing. But as that is not reality, I just trudge along until November.

At least we're halfway through.

Friday, October 15, 2010

My toe

I think my toenail is going to fall off.

I know, why am I talking about this on my blog? Well, because the other things I want to blog about I won't be very nice or kind, and I could get carried away. So, I'm left with my toenail. And how it feels weird and that I'm pretty sure it will fall off soon.

It started the day I did Challenge Nation. It's an urban scavenger hunt, and you usually do it in teams. I wore shoes that from the first day I wore them have never ever hurt my feet. But yet that day, when I walked miles and miles (mostly because the bus schedules were way off, and we kept missing the buses that we needed), it had to do something to my left big toe.

What are the positives? Well, at least it's fall/winter time here already. And even though I wear them until I just can't anymore because it is way too cold, there isn't too much time left for me to wear my beloved flip flops. So, other than maybe wearing open toed shoes on Sunday's to church, no one will see my big toe.

I'll keep you updated. But I promise no pictures. Feet are just ugly. I'll save my thoughts on feet for another day. Cause I need to go to sleep at some point.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I want

My friend Emily did an 'I want' list. And she invited people to copy her and do their own.
Here is mine:

real Mexican food
to live where the sun shines almost every day
to stop eating late
To be organized
home made cookies every day
my right ear to pop
to live in France
to let it all go
a few new friends
my potted herbs to last the winter
Superhero to have more long sleeved shirts

There is my list. Do you have one?

Monday, October 11, 2010

My food quandry

I have really loved having my husband home. Although having him gone for a year, then having 45 days off was a little too big of a switch, it has mostly been really good. I was worried about the reintegration of him and us, but it has been much smoother than I thought it would be.

But let me tell you what has been the hardest.

Making dinner.

When you have two small kids to cook for, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, quesedillia's, and pretty much anything having to do with cheese is a good go-to. It wasn't like that every night, and we did eat lots of vegetables. But now that my husband is home, those things don't work anymore. Well, just not as much. We go through more food. My husband has changed his diet since he left, and won't eat certain foods anymore. Sigh. Which is frustrating, because I LOVE baked potatoes. LOVE. And he doesn't eat them much these days. He also doesn't eat much that has sugar in it. And doesn't eat a lot of bread. And no pasta.

That pretty much minimizes my options.

Sometimes I say 'screw it' and make what I want to make and he will just deal with it. Most of the time, I do my best to make things that all of us can eat. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. We've had a lot of salads. Lots of fish, baked sweet potatoes, green beans, broccoli, and recently, we tried brussel sprouts again.

I'm working on it. I try to keep things that we all like stocked up. Tonight I made chicken vegetable soup. And I'm sure he didn't eat most of the potatoes in his bowl. But that is fine with me.

For the first time, I just might have to start planning my meals a week at a time. I'll let you know how it goes. (and if you have some good idea's, please leave me a comment. i need help!)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

My voice

I want to blog.

I like it. I like sitting down, and letting my fingers fly over my keyboard.

But lately, when I sit down, my fingers do not fly.

And I think I've figured it out.

I'm trying to write in a way that is not me. A voice that is someone else.

From here on out, this blog will be in MY voice. Not a voice that I think I should be.

What are my thoughts today? I will tell you. I worry about my husbands' emotional state because his dad keeps screwing around with him. I worry about why Superhero is struggling behaving at school. I worry that I'm too open with my opinions. I miss the sun. I really like my cute planner (that for once I'm actually using) that I got from B&N not too long ago.

And now I'm worried that if I don't get to bed right now, I won't wake up in time in the morning so my husband and I can make it to the temple. Off to bed I go!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Middle of the night thoughts

Here is what has been on my mind recently:

~Christmas cards. If I don't start thinking and planning and doing now, they don't get done. And it's one of the few crafty things I actually do. So while I am behind (I usually start in August because I'm that slow) I've made my choices, and things are slowly coming together.

~A good friend deploying. She and I were family when we both lived in Germany. Thanksgiving, Christmas, babies being born, cars borrowed, kids babysat, dinners shared, day trips to France....I could keep going. She has been in the area for the last month or so while she did training. Her kids are with her parents. I called her mom this morning to let her know some boxes she (my friend) had asked me to mail were on their way. We had a good chat, and had a cry together. Back when I first found out this friend was going, I sat and stared at my computer screen (she had sent me an email) and tears just ran down my face. I was on my period at the time, so I was already in that emotional place. Anyway, she is in my thoughts.

~A friend had her twins last week. A pretty good friend. And me, doing my best to be supportive even though I would rather not have anything to do with babies, went over last week to bring her these absolutely darling matching dresses for her girls(which, by the way, were not pink). I brought over diapers and a few other things. I did not go with the intent of holding either of them. But as my friend delivered one naturally, and then the other via c-section (Yeah, can you even freaking imagine???? I pushed for four hours, then had an emergency c-section and that recovery was so hard. I just have no words for this doctor.....anyway........) getting up and down was not easy. I brought one of the girls to her so she could feed her. It was a slightly rough day for me. But, I'm ok. My husband and I have had some good discussions about babies, and our lack of one. But I gotta just let it go. It doesn't do me any good to keep harping on it.

~I have wanted to be better at posting on here. Not just for my readers. But because I have so much rolling around in my head all the time. And since Mario Lopez at this time of night is starting to grate on my nerves, I am out of here. Night.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Compliments of a Stranger

Last weekend, we were in the middle of nowhere Eastern Washington. After we had checked into our motel, we set out to see if there was anywhere open for dinner. There were no McDonalds, Burger Kings, or KFC's around. Just mom and pop sort of places. We saw one and went in.

It was a seat yourself sort of a place. We ended up across from an older couple, a grandma and grandpa. The kids were hungry, and a little antsy after sitting in the car for so long. We ordered, and of course Blondie has to stick her head over the side, looking for the server, and say in a loud voice 'WHEN is she gonna bring our FOOD?' multiple times.

They had a kids menu, which came with crayons. Both of my kids were done with it pretty fast. And as kids do, while they are eating, they are slightly all over the place. And as I do, I'm asking them to behave, sit on their bums, use their fork, etc. while I'm trying to eat my food......

As the older couple across the way were leaving, she comes over, touches the table, and says to me 'You have such well behaved children'.

I say thank you. And wonder. If this is well behaved, they must be used to something completely out of control. Or, maybe I do have well behaved children. Something to think about.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Where the heck is it?


So, my husband has been home for a few months now. He was able to take 45 days of leave.

After the initial excitement of him being home wore off, I tried to get myself into a groove. Slightly successful. Then, a few weeks ago the kids started school. Had to try and adjust and get into a different groove. On Monday, my husband goes back to work. And we try again.

Do you ever feel like there are so many changes happening that you don't have time to adjust to any of them?

I looking for a rhythm to my day. Cleaning up the kitchen, going to the gym, showering, organizing/taking care of my home/cleaning, errands, etc.......
I just can't find it.

Maybe I was trying too hard.

I know I'll find it. It will just take extra long this year. I have this new mantra: I got through a year deployment, so I can do anything. It may not be true, but it sure helps me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'm a clothes whore

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a girl. Not only was this little girl the oldest of six kids, but she was very tall, pretty much from the get go. When this girl hit 12 years old, her growth skyrocketed. In three years she grew over eight inches. She has stretch marks on her lower back. (my husband used to ask if I was sure that they were stretch marks, not scars from my mother beating me. haha, funny. and they really are stretch marks.) As a result of this crazy growing, on top of having five younger siblings (meaning a shortage of money for new clothes), this girl rarely had pants that were long enough. Or shoes that were big enough. Luckily, during junior high was the roll your pants and stuff them into crazy colored socks phase. But that phase did not last to high school. The girl gave up trying to find women's jeans long enough and looked to mens. Which really weren't flattering, but at least they were long enough. Five years ago, the girls shopping options were minimized by living over seas. She discovered shopping online, and at the same time discovered jeans that had a 36" inseam! Oh the joy and happiness!!! (enough with the third person, going to first person....)

For the first time in my life, I had jeans that were long enough. And I haven't looked back. As time has progressed, I've learned more about how to dress myself. While I buy my share of cheap stuff, I have learned about buying quality if you want it to last for a while.

And, I admit, I love shopping. My jean purchases are still mostly online (except for the jeans I picked up at Nordstrom Rack. $176 jeans marked down and down until they were $32. AND they were long enough and fit my waist. it was like the jean genie had placed them there for me, just waiting for me to find them.) and many of my other clothing and shoe purchases are online. Because many times, when you're six feet tall, your shoe size is usually pretty big.


I have now become this person that really cares what she wears. I like having nice shirts for every day wear. I like wearing skirts. I like to do my hair almost every day. Why?? For so many years I felt awkward. I know I always looked halfway put together. Since I have become more aware and have made more of an effort to dress a certain way, people sit up and take notice of me. They take me seriously. I find that I feel really good when I dress well. When I feel good, I have more confidence, I have more motivation. I have fallen in love with wearing heels. I love two inches or higher.

There is a down side. I spend too much on clothes. Every time I get near an H&M, or Ross, or Marshalls, or get an email from J. Crew with an extra 20% off their final will power goes away. I do my best. At least if I'm shopping at J. Crew I'm only shopping the sales AND using the extra 20% (or if I'm really lucky, 30%) off.

Right now, there is this one dress that I am really coveting. It is perfect for fall. It's a fantastic color on me, and it's way cute. The price is just a little high. I have yet to have a good reason to get it. I'm just waiting patiently. Maybe it can be my Halloween costume..........

Thursday, September 23, 2010


This last weekend, my husband had a triathlon in the middle of nowhere, Eastern Washington.

He had looked for and made the hotel reservation. When I heard how much it was, I thought, ok, it will be decent enough. Boy, I had a surprise waiting for me.

For the first time in my life, I stayed in a motel with a neon sign shining out front. This is the view from our room. We paid less for a Motel 6 room in Boise, and the room was ten times better. I guess this is what happens when you go to the middle of nowhere.

This is where we had breakfast. It was a short walk up the road.

Our motel in the daytime as we were walking back to it. I hadn't brought my wallet to breakfast. No continental breakfast here.
These are a few of the buildings we saw on our walk. A lot of the town looked like this. It was a pretty sad little town. But I did love the colors on the buildings.
We live in a pretty small town. And this town was even smaller than ours. We look like a huge metropolis with our Walmart just on the edge of town, and our decent sized Safeway.

Lessons: 1) Don't let my husband make the reservation without my input.
2) Be thankful that my own small town is bigger than others.
3) Remember that motels with neon signs do not serve continental breakfasts, so bring my wallet.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Wake up call

We were gone yesterday and today. We only took my husbands computer, and most of the time gone was spent driving, sleeping, or waiting around for him to transition, and then for him to cross the finish line.

I got home tonight, and checked my email. An old friend (a very good old friend) emailed me and said that my blog was not so fun to read. (she also said other things, this was just a part of it.)


And I realized, it really was not a fun blog to read. It's a sad little blog. And I'm really not such a sad person. I have all kinds of thoughts, and all kinds of things happen in my life, I just don't put much of them here. You want to know why? Because I'm scared. Scared that my crazy father in law will find me again, and start the whole crappy thing over again. So I've been cautious, hesitant. I feel like I'm still waiting for the next thing to happen, that I can't see, just around the next bend in the road.

But that is over with. Starting right now, things are going to change on this blog. I don't want a sad blog anymore.

Today, on our trip home from my husbands race today, I started and finished a book. Technically, I finished it once we were home, but I had less than 100 pages left, so that is close enough. I read The Help. I thought this book was great. I loved reading about the subject matter (black women that were maids to white women is Jacksonville, Mississippi during the 1960's). I really enjoy historical fiction. I feel like I learn so much more than I do when I read a history text book that spends a chapter on, say, the Civil Rights movement. And then I start thinking about what I would do if I had lived at that time, in those circumstances. What would I have done? My favorite part is the end, where the author tells why she wrote this story, and how personal it is for her.

Let me know if you read it. Or if you already have read it. Have to keep it fresh in my mind until book club next month. At this rate, I'll be done with all 12 books way before Christmas.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A whiny rant

This is going to be a slightly whiny post. I've been feeling pretty whiny, and I've tried to keep it under control. But, it has got to come out. It also might be whiny with a few rants thrown in. And I'm sure I will feel better once I've gotten this out. Ok, here goes.

I am at the time of life when it feels like EVERYONE around me is having babies. Baby after baby after baby. All over facebook are pictures of friends who just had their babies. Or announcements of being pregnant. I even know two people who are adding twins to their family. And some days I do Ok, and it doesn't bother me. But recently, I just cannot escape the babies.

This is a big deal for me. My youngest is five. We chose to not get pregnant while he was doing his schooling, mostly because he would have been unable to stay home and help me, and I have c-sections. Which means I need lots of help for a good week or so after I get home. We got pregnant with about six months left of his school, and four months in, there was no heartbeat. And then after that, for the next 18 months, we were only together for 3 months. Kind of makes it difficult to get pregnant.

It was difficult while he was gone to see others getting pregnant right and left. Not only was I not pregnant, but I didn't even have the chance to try. It was overwhelming at times. I don't go to baby showers anymore. I do not hold babies. It is just way too difficult for me, at least right now.

And then today, someone who is pregnant with her third (and who happened to be pregnant with her second when I lost mine) is whining about how all her friends who were due about the same time as she is have already had their babies, and she is still pregnant. And how unfair it is. It's not that I expect her to tailor her status updates to fit my needs or to be sensitive to me. It probably wouldn't have bothered me at all, if the whole 'it's not fair' comment wasn't there. I want to say something like "you know whats not fair? losing your baby. that isn't fair. or you know what else isn't fair? having 10 people pregnant all around you, constantly talking about being pregnant, and then you not being pregnant, because you lost your baby. THAT isn't fair." Don't worry, I didn't do it. But that is why I'm writing it here.

And now, my husband has been home for almost two months. And all I can think about is getting pregnant. I try to put it out of my mind, and lots of times I can do it. But then sometimes I can't. It also doesn't help when I can feel myself ovulating.

I don't know if I can still get pregnant. My body has been doing some weird things since I lost him.

A few months ago, I had an experience where I felt a lot of peace about this subject, peace that came from outside of my anxious, paranoid self. I know that I don't have the control. I know that if it is going to happen, it will. Trying to be patient, trying to hold on to that memory, that feeling of peace. But days like this, that feeling is SO FAR away. If it weren't pouring rain outside (thank you PNW) I would go for a run to clear my mind. But if I'm going to run now, I have to drive to the gym. At least I have a gym to go to right??

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Être seule

I think I need a break from social activities.

I'm getting tired of them. I have about ten good reasons to become a hermit. And I just might do it for the next few weeks.

Every time I'm with friends/acquaintances recently, I just feel like I'm in this odd space. I can't really put my finger on what it is that I feel. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I'm not blaming any of these people for how I'm feeling. I think I just need to clear my mind and take a break. Luckily I will be out of town this weekend for our book group, and the next book group won't be until next month. And even though soccer is starting, and I will have to be around lots of people I know, I'm pretty good at keeping to myself for that hour.

It will be nice to be alone. Sometimes a girl just needs to be alone.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Darn it

Not too long ago, I participated in this. It was so much fun! There was a group of girls from church that were on one team. We pretty much spent the entire day together.

I have learned over the last few years, to keep my mouth shut. I have opened it so many times when I shouldn't have, that sometimes I think I'm over compensating.

We went to dinner after our day of hunting. And someone brought up something that I did not agree with. I like all of the girls I was with. One or two of them slightly intimidate me, (which I am sure is totally on my end) and many times rather than try to disagree, however amicably, I just don't because I'm afraid of looking stupid. Or sounding stupid. And I really hate those feelings. So, I heard what was said. And rather than being very respectful and just stating that I don't agree with that, I just sat there. With my mouth full of crab ravioli. (which was darn good.) I was scared.

I am kicking myself for not saying anything.

It would have been so easy. All I had to do was just state my opinion, the reasons why, and leave it at that. I wasn't going to try and change their minds, or make them agree with me. Just state a different point of view, maybe give them something else to think about. And I just sat there chewing.

You want to know what it was?? One of these ladies knew someone who had told their children that they would only pay for their wedding reception if they got married in the temple. I have multiple problems with that. I see that more as withholding love. I also see it causing problems in the future between children. Not to mention that each child's situation is going to be very different. Then there are the issues with the future in laws....I could just keep going with this. While I do understand the motivation behind it (wanting that child to be married in the temple, a good thing), the fallout from it would not be worth it.

See, I did it there! Why can't I do it in real life? One of my new goals is to speak up!! And to do so respectfully. I will fail a few times, and I will have to keep trying. But man, if I don't try, I'll never learn how. And maybe go back to school so that I feel on the same playing field......

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

In the kitchen when the kids are in bed

Me: I have my MP3 player on my arm, with only one of the earphones in, listening. I am cleaning up the kitchen (which is a disaster).

Husband: Comes down the stairs and is doing his nightly vitamin/supplement thing behind me.

Me: Occasionally, I dance to the song I happen to be listening to. Which just happened to be the Glee version of Bust a Move. (how do you not dance to that?)

Husband: Not seeing I have one earphone in asks me"Um, are you listening to something?" as he watches me dance a little bit more. (the ear he see's is the one without the earphone in it.)

Me: "Uh, yeah."

Husband: "Good. I thought you were going crazy there for a minute."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Here's what I'm going to do

Both my kids will be starting school soon (hooray!) and I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with both of them gone all day. While watching TV, cross stitching, eating treats, getting pedicures, and spending hours at the gym sounds very tempting-and which I still will occasionally do-I've come up with a better use of my time.

I have some friends. One that is involved with this non profit, and another friend who founded and now runs this orphanage for this non profit. (he's the blond in the picture) Between those two things, plus my growing desire to do some good in the world, I have decided to find ways to help out my local community. We have both Eagles and Lions in our small town. Plus a food bank, thrift store, and I'm sure other things that I'm not aware of. My church also has a group that meets once a week to prepare and make humanitarian items for our church. (If all they are doing is sewing, I may have to rethink that one, but I'll find other ways to help.) I need to get involved in a little of this stuff.

I am also hoping to help out with my kids classrooms. I have never helped before, and now that I don't have to worry about getting a sitter, I am going to hopefully be able to help out with each of their classes.

There is a time and a season for all things. My season right now is to mostly be a parent to my children. But that doesn't mean I can't fit in a few other things, right?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just the smell of them

Every summer, for my entire life up until I left to go on a mission to France, we went to our family reunion. It was the same time of year, in the same place. Fresno, CA.

Have you ever driven the 5 through central California?? As you go north on the 5 and get over the grapevine, all you see are farms. Almond trees. And I'm sure other nut trees. Grapevines. I don't even know all of them.

At the family reunion, we had fresh peaches and fresh cantaloupe with every meal. When we needed tomatoes, they were also fresh. And I mean not just from the store. They would go to the farm to get them. Glorious red onions. The smell of fresh late summer fruit always reminds me of the reunion. But I hate peaches. (My mother bought 5 lugs one year. We had them in our van the entire drive home. Then in the heat of August in Southern California in a house that did not have AC, we had to help her can all 5 lugs. I think even my underwear smelled like peaches that day.)

Yesterday I ran to the store to pick up a few things. As I walked through the produce section, I smelled that familiar smell. And I just couldn't help it. I came home with quarter of a watermelon, a cantaloupe, a honeydew, a few white peaches, red plums, and red grapes. I had gone to the store just to get some romaine and milk.

We had the melons with our dinner last night and they were so good.

I couldn't make it to the reunion this year. I went last year for the first time in about 6 years. Kind of hoping we make it next year. Want to keep up the tradition.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I felt very unsettled last night.

My husband turned on a movie. It was one I did not want to watch. It was also at the time that I would sit down after the kids went to bed and that it was my turn to watch my shows and cross stitch.

I want to get rid of the rolly chair that is currently at OUR new desk (because his computer on my dining room table was becoming more than I could handle so I made room on the table I bought while he was gone for my desk) and he wants to keep it.

It seems to be fall already here, when it was hardly summer.

He keeps loading the dishwasher wrong. Ok, it isn't wrong, just not the way I do it.

He hasn't put his clothes away that I put on his side of the bed. Ok, to be fair, I haven't put the kids clothes away either, but at least they are folded in their own baskets waiting, not piled somewhere.

The doctors office didn't put Blondie's last vaccinations on the yellow card and so now I have to call them which makes filling out the paperwork for her to register for school becomes that much more irritating. And I already hate filling out the vaccination form. I think the school nurse should do it because the whole darn thing is so confusing, especially when people have poor penmanship and I can't read what they wrote down.

For some reason, I can't seem to finish anything that I start. I can't finish cleaning the kitchen. I can't finish doing the laundry.

Our days have been pretty unstructured. Which is what summer is supposed to be. And generally, I am pretty unstructured, but my husband is even more than I am.

Truly, I'm mourning my loss of control over our lives. For a year I was the one that made the decisions, that was the one that drove the car, that made the dinners, was the disciplinarian, the grand pooba of every thing, so to speak. And now I have to share. I've never been very good at sharing. Just ask one of my 5 younger siblings how much I like to share.

Gosh I'm whiny today. I think I'll go for a run so that I feel better. It's crazy, but running does make me feel better. And I hate running. Really really hate it.

Things that have been good: a friend called me yesterday needing someone to talk to, looking for support. And it was, according to her, just what she needed. Even though I haven't talked to her for over a month and before that it was even longer, she knew she could call. Seriously, I love that. It warms my heart, and I feel that even though I'm completely unorganized, totally flaky sometimes, I AM able to listen, to help, and that they come away from our conversation feeling better. My husband has really been more helpful than he has ever been before. He is helpful with the dishes, helpful with cleaning up. He cleaned my shower. (which I just cannot do. Getting the hair out of the drain makes me puke. I know. It's my hair. In my head I can do it. I try to do it, and the dry heaves start.......) When there was an issue a few weeks ago (he was stressed about something, didn't tell me about it....classic lack of communication misunderstanding and all that) he took responsibility pretty darn fast and it did not stay an issue.

Things ARE good. Just feeling whiny. I should really stop typing and get to that run.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Books books books

A strange thing happened while my husband was deployed-I couldn't read books. I tried, but no matter what book it was, I could not finish it or even stick with reading it for more than a chapter or two. I have no idea why or what was going on.

He has been home for a few weeks now, and even before he came home, I was able to read. I think I even finished a book!

Tonight was a book group that I was invited to join. It isn't connected with our church (thank goodness!) and it is just friends getting together to read. Our list is pretty good. I've read a few of them, and I'm excited to read books and get to discuss them! I will try and post my book reviews each month. And, I'm sure I'll read more than just 12 books this year. I've got way more than 12 in my stack waiting for me to start. And a few that I need to finish.....

First up, These is my words. I'm off to Amazon now.....

Have you ever been here?

I love this place. Yeah, there is a lot of fish being thrown about, and you can smell it from a mile away. But look at those flowers. I bought a beautiful bunch for $5.

I went up there on Monday and met an old missionary companion for a girls day in the city! It was so stinkin fun. We had french food for lunch, found a mostly french patisserie, and ate gelato. We shopped at the local Nordstrom Rack, people watched, struck up conversations in stores and restaurants with complete strangers, drove across the floating bridge...and the most important was there were no children with us!! Well, she had her youngest, but infants don't really count. We shopped at H&M near the university, met up with another girl from our mission for a bit, and were shocked at price tags in Anthropologie.

It was a GREAT day. I cannot wait to do it again.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Something I've noticed

Have you ever noticed, on Facebook and in conversation, how when someone shares their opinion OR they share something that they feel strongly about OR share a personal story, the person that is listening or reading almost always takes it personally and does one of two things: they share a story similar to the first story or start to defend themselves in why they don't do the same.

It drives me nuts. And I hate that I do it too, without really realizing.

But it does get me thinking. Why do we do this? Why can we not just listen to the other persons story and allow them the opportunity to just share?? Also, why do we hear the choices or opinions of others and instantly think that they are somehow a judgment on us? And take them way too personally?

What have I done to change this? Well, when someone calls and needs to talk, I do my best to turn on my 'therapist' and listen. I ask questions about how they feel, what are they worried about, and those sorts of things. I do my best to not say a word about my experiences that may be the same, but just leave it to something like 'I know how that feels and it's terrible'. And if I don't, I don't. They have a right to this moment. It isn't about me, and sometimes I have a hard time separating that.

Do you do this? I know I do. I also hate it when others do it to me.

New goals: be less judgmental. ask permission to give advice. listen.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I don't know how else to describe this

We waited. It was cold and foggy. We had signs, balloons, streamers. We had food, drinks. Our hair was done, houses cleaned, make up on. We waited some more.

Then, we saw a bus. And saw them. And then we waited more.

We were freezing.

They came around the corner, and we cheered!!!

Then, more waiting.

"Do you see yours?" "I can see mine." "I think that's him." "He is at the end of the first row."

We were listening for the magic words: Go join your family members!!!

I ran. I found him and we just came together. I have no idea what else was going on around me. We just held each other tight. He hadn't shaved in a few days. It was 0330, but I felt very awake. I thought I would cry, but I didn't. It was a feeling I had felt before, this feeling of peace and calm, that I know did not come from myself, as I had been a ball of anxious nerves for the last 12 hours.

We came home. He never went to sleep. It was the middle of the day for him. I slept and woke up (literally, I opened my eyes and he gave it to me) to a plate of scrambled cheese eggs and toast. He wants to pick up the kids.

I throw clothes on. I make a phone call. I tell him where to stand, got my camera ready. They had no idea dad would pick them up. It was a good morning.

I need to get to bed. But I want to remember this. Forever.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Last year

At about this time last year, this is what we were doing.

We were saying goodbye. For an entire year.
That year is about up.
There will be lots of hugging, and kissing, and crying. Pretty much the same as last year. Except this time it will be because he is coming back.
Excited doesn't even begin to describe it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Showing off a bit

I have never really been able to "decorate" the inside of my home well. Mostly because we had no money, hand-me-down furniture, and my complete lack of skill. After nine years of marriage (and my deployment gift to myself. hey, he got two bikes!!) I finally got real adult furniture. Then I wanted some throw pillows. I went to my favorite store, Cost Plus World Market, and picked up a few. All but the one in the corner was on sale. Which is my favorite way to shop. Well, and the one on the right side we've had forever. I just keep it around for a pillow the kids can play with because it's just not as cool as the rest.

This is my dining room table. The table cloth is not only awesome because of the pattern and color, but it is stain proof and water proof. Seriously. Tomato stains come right out, even when it has been on there for a few days. Liquids bead up and don't absorb into it. I bought my flowers at the farmers market, and I think I let them go too long without water, so they are a little sad and droopy. But I still like them.

This is our bed. You are seeing it in rare form: it is actually made. (I hate making beds. But I do it when I change the sheets.) I love my quilt. It does not fit my Cal King bed perfectly, but I love the colors, and I love my brown pillows (also from World Market) that I got to make it kind of come together. It's not too girly, but still with flowers on it. And because I am real, yes, my hanger and a pile of stuff is on the bed.

I love this chair. I love the color, I love that it goes with my bedding, and I love I got it on sale at World Market. This is my attempt to "decorate" my bedroom. I'm a slow mover. But I love what I have.

Here is our playroom. It is also in rare form: it is vacuumed and completely picked up. Considering it's a playroom.....anyway, I love the maps on the wall. We can easily find where dad is, where Blondie was born, where Superhero was born, all the places we've lived or visited. I wanted to be more creative with this space, but with it being a playroom where kids are quite literally bouncing off the walls, I stopped with the maps.

And there is the extent of my "decorating". I am so used to moving after only a year, I hesitate to do too much to the walls because I'll just have to take it down. For the first time in about five years, we'll be in one house for more than a year. It's a new experience for all of us. I'm just excited we don't have to pack up and move yet again.
disclaimer: if you ever come to my house please to not expect it to actually look like this. there are usually toys, papers and various other things that are strewn about. this was a rare moment when the whole house was picked up and looking nice. :)

Friday, July 23, 2010

What a girl needs

I am a woman. A woman who has a pretty decent level of self esteem. Who usually isn't one of those people that really need those around them to tell them multiple times that they look good. Usually, if Blondie compliments me ("mommy i love your dress") I figure I'm pretty good. Or if Superhero says that my shoes go with my outfit. (Sad when you don't have a full length mirror and you have to rely on small children to let you know if your outfit is ok.)

My husband has been gone for an entire year. Some spouses find it helpful to talk about things. Some do not. My husband is one that as a coping device, does not talk about certain things while he has been gone. Which I get. And have done my best to respect and not push him on certain things. For example, I have been trying to suggest us going away without children once he is home. Not only does he refuse to talk about locations, or even a yes or no, but is not able to think past him coming home, so that he can cope.

Which means, that I have gone almost this entire year with him not complimenting me, or telling me I look good, and even those special moments a husband and a wife get. I thought I would be fine. I didn't realize what a hit my self esteem would take. When he is home, he lets me know that he is still attracted to me, that he loves me, in all kinds of ways. Now, all I get is a daily "I love you", and when I try to push a few things, a "we'll talk about it when I get home". It's enough to drive a person that processes things by talking to distraction. And you can't blame the guy. He has to do what he has to do. Just the same as I do here. (Like my compulsive staying up late, blogging, and my therapist.)

We are now nearing the end of this deployment. And the only thing that is on my mind is making signs, charging his new phone, buying him a basket for his shoes, and otherwise keeping myself busy so I don't lose my mind waiting for that phone call. Which, granted, because it is the Army, could be more than one phone call. But anyway.......I seriously cannot wait until he is home. I feel like a teenage girl when I think about him.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

This morning

I am thinking about an old friend.

I got an email from her husband who informed us that she has invasive carcinoma in one breast, and most likely has it in the other. This is a mother of five children. The youngest of which is the same age as my oldest.

I have never thought cancer was all the great before. But today I really hate it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Why I can't sleep

It's 0130 and I am still up.

Not terribly tired. Slightly hungry.

Why am I still up??? Well, there are a million reasons for that. One big one: my husband is on my mind.

He will be home in just a few more weeks. I saw him last in April. And before that was last July. The transition period ahead of us scares me. There is actual data that says that the transition period can be worse than the deployment. I mean, there is no way to know until we're in it. But last year, after we had only been apart for four months, it was rough coming back together. The crap part was that we only had three months before he was gone again....hardly enough time to work on things and iron out issues.

I'm excited! I'm excited to have a husband again. To be married and do married things. Like date. Have him close enough to hold his hand. Watch him wrestle with his kids. Listen to him play and sing the same irritating song over and over again on his guitar.

In the mean time, we're getting together items for our single soldiers. They come home to and empty barracks room instead of a family. So, we get together some snacks, sheets, towels, soap and things while they sleep off the jet lag and then are able to get to the store.

So, here it is, now almost 0200 and I'm still not all that tired. It isn't always easy to go to bed when you are used to someone else being there. Sometimes I can put it out of my mind. But we're so close to the end, I feel pretty consumed with thoughts about him. I'll be out of my misery soon enough though. I get butterflies just thinking about it.........

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Isn't there a line somewhere???

A few weeks ago, not long after I had gotten to Southern California, my kids and I were going to the local Old Navy. I had gotten out of the car, and Blondie (my daughter, but not her real name) had gotten out. Superhero (my son, and obviously not his real name) was taking his sweet time getting out. Normally, Blondie would just stay near me or the car. This time, while my head was turned trying to get Superhero to move a little faster, she decided to go and stand right where cars drive. I did not see her do this. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a car, so I turn and look to make sure of where she is. When I see where she is, I grab her and pull her over to the side out of the way. By then, Superhero had finally gotten out of the car. We closed doors, locked the car, and started walking towards the store. The car was at the stop sign at the end of the parking row. As we get closer, she rolls down her passenger window and proceeds to yell at me. Because, according to this person, I am irresponsible because my daughter, who knows very well not to stand where she was (who, actually, had done it on purpose, because after the car had passed us ran right back out to stand there, where I grabbed her arm again and pulled her near me) was standing where the cars were driving. I don't even remember what else she said. Me, being in a not fantastic mood, do not react well to this. From what I recall, I said things like "Leave me alone" and "This is none of your business" and since I had seen a Sheriff as I was driving in I suggested I go find him and complain of her harassing me.

Here is my question: When is it appropriate to talk to a stranger about their children? I think it was pretty obvious that 1) Blondie is old enough to know better 2) that my attention was elsewhere at that moment and 3) when I realized what she was doing, I corrected the situation immediately. Many times while in the commissary or PX (which is very different when shopping at other stores. people will talk to me more frequently there than any other store I have ever been to.) other adults have said things to my children, like "you need to be good for your mom" or "don't you walk away from your mom". I have never been offended at anything anyone has said in those situations. Sometimes I have been grateful, as it has caused them to stop and think about what they are doing. Or, at least get them to stop crying, or screaming. I have said similar things to other children in stores or at parks. I have also heard of parents confronting or stopping other parents that are speeding through school parking lots at drop off or pick up times. Sigh. And the crappy part is that I know I will have to deal with this sort of thing again sometime.

What are your experiences on both ends? What have you found that works? And, what behavior by either parent or child do you feel constitutes crossing the line and saying something? Because the next time this happens, I am going to be prepared.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


So, this is my new blogging home.

Who am I? Well, I am about a million different pieces. I am LDS. I am an Army Wife. I am a mother. I am six feet tall. I like to talk. I have lots of opinions. I love Europe. I need lots of sun. I am not crafty at all. I do like to cross stitch. I like to buy and eat organic when I can. I am independent. I like reading. I do not like to garden. I do like to be outside. I am constantly battling the urge to be lazy. I am unorganized. I am a good friend. I am a good listener.

This isn't even the half of it.

But if you read here, you'll get to know the rest of it.