Well

It is 1:15am.  Why the heck am I awake?  Good question.  This is what happens when my husband is deployed.  I stay up way too late. 

Tonight I am thinking about my house.  My house.  Since we've been here, I've been in a funk.  First I was just too pregnant to really do much else but unpack the best I could and do the basics.  Well, It has been a year, and my medication is awesome.  I can think about things clearly, and rather than get immediately overwhelmed about even something as simple as cleaning a bathroom, I want to take on crafting projects.  CRAFTING!!!!  Well, crafty for me. 

And I've been thinking about how I want to decorate and what kind of furniture, and when (because it will happen.  because this kitchen is freaking ridiculous) we remodel the kitchen how I want it to be, and when we finally pull up the carpet in the dining room (idiotic!!!  carpet in a dining room!!!) and put down wood floors.  What color I want to paint the walls.....

But.  I had this freaking awesome idea about this random shelf space above our closets.  It is kind of hard to describe, so I'll take some before and after pictures and post them.  But. I am REALLY excited about what I'm going to do.  And it is simple enough that I could do it without anyone helping me!  Well, as long as J (the baby's new pseudonym) is sleeping, I should be able to do it.  I really want to do it this week!!!  I think I just might be able to do it. 

Last deployment, I wanted to overcome my fear of yeast, and learn how to bake bread from scratch.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  So, this time around, I'm not going to set any specific goals like that.  I know it is hard to measure, but I just want to be a better me.  Which involves much smaller goals, like making my bed every day.  Or keeping the front living room picked up, or not yelling at my kids when I really really want to.  Better at organizing, and getting rid of stuff we don't use or need. 

So, there you go.  And now I'm going to go turn off the Shahs of Sunset (watching BRAVO is like watching a train wreck.  you know it's awful and bad, and yet YOU STILL WATCH!!!!  ugh) and brush my teeth and go to bed.  And think about all the awesome things I'm going to do. 

This poor neglected blog. 

We are looking straight into another deployment.  This one is in a safer place than, say, Afghanistan, and it is also shorter. 

And I need a place to come to say what is on my mind.  It won't always be pretty, it won't always be kind.  But with a baby around, writing in my journal isn't going to be so easy to do.  So I have a goal to post more often.  Not post every day, or every week.  Just more often.  I have a feeling I will need it.

I hate this

About five years ago I was Relief Society President in the ward I was in.  That means I was in charge of running the womens' organization and also responsible for their welfare.  I only did it for six months, but that was probably all I could handle.  The bishop and I worked together as a team to do our best to take care of the needs of our ward.  I thought we did a pretty good job.  I am sure we missed stuff, and didn't do everything right, but we really tried.

Earlier this year I found out that this man had filed for divorce from his wife.  Totally shocked me.  Turns out, while his wife was in the states battling breast cancer, (and he was overseas) he had taken up with a former girlfriend.  Yeah, real winner here.  And, he had been abusing the family for years.  YEARS.  He was doing it while he was bishop.  THIS MAKES ME SO STINKING MAD. 

I was there, working with him, over to their house, their youngest was friends with my oldest, and I may have even let him go over there while the mom wasn't home.  I thought I could see through guys like this. 

I know it isn't productive, but I sent him a message on facebook.  And I know there are a lot of people out there that say things online that they would never say to someones face.  But I would have said everything to his face.  I also unfriended him.  Seems so lame, but I refuse to have anything to do with anyone that behaves like that.

I also hate being taken in by a guy like that.  I am grateful that his wife and kids are, for the most part other than visits, away from him and are safe.  The sad part is this girlfriend of his divorced her husband, and they will probably get married and there will be another set of kids for him to abuse. 

It. Just. Ticks. Me. Off.  And I feel helpless.  I wish there was something I could do. 

Good

There have been a lot of good things going on around here lately. 

~I started taking medication to combat this awful PPD.  There is only one you can take while nursing, and so far it seems to be really helping.  I no longer feel angry at the world and I can think much clearer.  I still get angry but I can deal with it in a much healthier way.  I should have done this a long time ago.

~Baby J is a happy baby.  In a months time he has learned to sit up, crawl on knees and hands, and pull himself up to standing position.  The kid wants to run and try to keep up with Superhero and Blondie.  Blondie walked at 9 months, and this boy may be following in her footsteps. 

~I have been walking the kids to and from school almost every day.  Not only does that save us gas, I get a total of four miles in walking every day.   (well, except for today because it was raining all day).  I need to work on abs, and do some lifting of weights, but walking four miles a day almost 5 days a week feels good.  I think it may be helping me lose this baby weight.  I am very very very slowly losing it. 

~My kids are in school!  Hooray!  Grocery shopping is less torture and more enjoyable.  Baby J has the possibility of an uninterrupted nap every day. 

~This may be a result of the medication, but I feel like I am finding my 'spot' at church.  Right now I only lead the music for Relief Society (the women's organization) but I feel more comfortable at church.  Also, some old friends moved here, and that has really helped.  They KNOW me.  I am also getting to know more people in the neighborhood, which makes me feel more comfortable about my kids being in it. 

Things aren't awesomely amazing.  But they are good.  Actually, they are better than they have been. 

I am grateful.

My current obsession

I do not recall if I have shared this on here, but I really do not like my house.  Someone who has no idea of function HAD to have put this house together.  Yes, there are some good things.  But the lack of a door from the master bedroom to the master bath, the carpet in the dining room (seriously WHY do people do that????) , the idiotic way the kitchen is set up (the dishwasher and the oven are so close you cannot have them both open at the same time ever, the cabinets aren't to the ceiling and the pantry is this dark hole), the popcorn ceilings, five different levels are not in that category..  Some of this is an easy fix, and most of it is an expensive fix.  I am limited on what I can do to improve things.  The kids bedrooms are also small.  We need to figure out a way to fit a crib in with their stuff.  I mean, this baby of ours is five months old!  He needs to get out of our room!

I also have gotten a new phone.  A phone that has internet on it.  So while I sit and nurse, I am checking craigslist.  Did you know you have a limit on how many listings you send??  You do.  I've exceeding it at least twice.  My inbox is full of links to listings.  My goal is to rearrange our rooms to make things work.  I have some big plans, and if my house weren't a cluttery mess, I would take some pictures to show you what needs to change, and what I want to do.  Since I don't have pictures, I'll just tell you what I want to do. 

First off, the kids beds.  Right now we have a bunk bed split up for them.  It looks something like this (picture from here) except not as nice looking.  Blondie has the bottom half in her room.  This isn't working for them.  Superhero doesn't like being up high, and the room he has doesn't fit this well so that he can use the shelves and desk.  Nor does it leave much space in his room for an actual dresser or bookshelf, and leave room for him to play.  So, we are looking at getting something like this for him: 

 (picture from here)

We think this will work much better.  And the bottom is a trundle that pulls out only when needed.  It would fit much better in his room, and use the space better.  Behind the desk and under the top bed is storage space that can be accessed by a door.  I'm sure brand new these babies are super expensive.  But I've found some on craigslist for as low as $350.  But before we get this, we have to get rid of what we have.  

For Blondie, we are looking at getting her a trundle type of bed as well, but not a bunk/loft bed.  We seem to have lots of visitors here, and having them both have a trundle will be very helpful when we have visitors with kids. 

Also on the list:  a combo dresser/changer for the baby.  I've seen lots on craigslist, it's mostly a matter of me contacting them and getting it here.  But before I do that I have to rearrange Blondies' room so that a crib and dresser will fit.  Ultimately, the baby and Superhero will be sharing, but for now she'll have to share with him.   A highboy dresser for my husband.  Our closets were not made with function in mind.  They are awful.  We have two dressers in our room, but one of them is mine, and the other he shares with the baby.  I want to get rid of that one (because it's more like a chest and takes up too much room in our too small master bedroom) and get one that has a smaller footprint with a good amount of storage.  Then maybe he'll be able to get his clothes put away and not leave them in piles on the floor.  An entryway table/bench.  We have nothing now, and I think that having something there will greatly help the cleanliness of our living room area.  As well as keep the shoes of visitors and the neighborhood kids in one place. 

There is one more thing I want.  And we don't exactly have a place for it....but I still want one!!  Do you know what a secretary desk is?  They can look like this.  Or this.  I want a place that I can organize my stuff, but close it so that people can't see my mess (if there is one) or my computer.  But I don't want a giant roll top desk that takes up a ton of room.  I want something small, something that might fit in my bedroom.  Or maybe in my living room.  I saw a blue one in a city about an hour from me.  It is way stinking awesome.  I am still looking for the perfect one. 

I have some things that I need to list on craigslist as well.  It is so dang easy, I just should take some pictures and do it.  It would give me a little bit of cash as well as get rid of some stuff around here that we don't need or use anymore.  But like many things right now, only the highest priority items get done, and sometimes not even then.  But as I get more sleep, and this little boy of mine gets older and I don't have to nurse as much, things will hopefully get back to normal.  Or that we find our new normal. 

Now I need to go and check craigslist....see if anything new has been listed!!!

Breaking

I have been sitting at my computer for almost an hour now, wasting time on facebook, and reading other blogs.  Baby J is sleeping, and I am still in my pjs.  I have a million things swirling around in my head.

Here is the big one:  Postpartum Depression. 

It has hit hard.  Harder perhaps than the past.  I had it after I had Blondie. 

I stopped taking the mini pill (nursing birth control pills) because I'm thinking it could be part of why I feel like this. 

I feel angry a lot of the time.  I feel overwhelmed most of the time.  But those two sentences don't even come close to how I really feel.  I mean, it would give me great pleasure to hurl all my non polish pottery breakables into the wall and listen with satisfaction at the sound of them shattering.  Does that sound crazy?

I tore quite badly.  When I went to my follow up visit, as the doctor is looking between my legs, he starts telling me how worried he was about how I would heal, since my tears were very irregular, but that he is so pleased that things look so good.  Um, really?  You couldn't have waited until you were looking at ME in the face?  And then asked if I had intercourse yet.  Um, NO!  Then he starts going into how husbands need it to feel loved and it's so important, and how he wants to know if there are any issues down there that need to be fixed so it's really important.....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you freaking kidding me??  So, on top of laundry, dishes, general housecleaning, getting kids to school and back, homework, meals, being up at least once a night and usually twice, taking a shower, trying to exercise, taking care of an infant, I'm supposed to find energy for that?  I bet if my doctor had been 30 years younger I would not have had to hear the whole 'husbands feel love from sex' line.  Probably still would have been asked, but without all the baggage.  Thanks dude.  And then I tell him I'm pretty sure I have postpartum depression.  He has called twice to make sure I go to behavioral health.  Um, the week he called my kids were out of school for two days, then the following week my parents were going to be in town.  I don't have time!  I can't even get the laundry done in a timely manner, and I am supposed to go to behavioral health??  Yes, I probably should.  Just not the right week to do it. 

To sum it all up, my mental state is a wreck.  My house is a wreck.  I can't get rid of the 30 extra pounds that this pregnancy has left me.  And to make things even better, the worst holiday of the year is this Sunday.  I think I won't be making it to sacrament meeting.

I've been busy

With this person right up there.

I attempted, and was successful in a VBAC.

But I guess I should start from the beginning. I woke up with contractions at 0130. Tried to sleep through them or hope that they weren't really contraction for the next two hours. Gave that up at 0330 (since I was keeping my husband from getting good sleep, and if this was for real, he would be useless without good sleep) and came downstairs. When the sun came up, I took a shower, we took the kids to my neighbor, and headed to the hospital. They wouldn't admit me right away, so we went downstairs, I walked for an hour, went to the DFAC (dining facility) then headed back up. Yes, I got an epidural (so thankful for modern medicine and things that take pain away) but luckily for me, it didn't slow my labor down. In fact, 30 minutes after I got it (I think it was 30 minutes) my water broke all by itself. We thought we would have a baby by 1900, but that was not to be. I started pushing, and shortly thereafter we discovered that this baby was stuck behind my pubic bone. He was stuck there for about 3 hours. My epidural was so strong at the beginning that I couldn't feel a darn thing. Not even pressure. And of course the only person that could turn it down couldn't come and do it for what seemed like forever. (lame. teach the nurses how to do it!!!!) After about 3 hours of pushing, and the nurse walked away for a second, I said quietly to my husband 'we need to pray!' He told me he had been praying. (As had I) There was much discussion amongst the midwife, doctor, nurse and us. They decided that if I hadn't made any more progress, they would use the vacuum. I pushed a few more times. And then magically (because I really don't know how he did it or how I managed to push him past it in my exhausted state) he moved past my pubic bone and BOOM he was out. Holy crap. THAT was what a vaginal birth felt like???? Unfortunately, this boy weighed over a pound more than my other babies (but not that it really mattered as nothing that large had ever passed through there before) and I had some extensive repairs. They had to adjust the bed so my bum was in the air and my head was down for them to see well enough to stitch things up. And right as the doctor put his face there to start working, I farted. Right in his face. (that was the beginning of the end of any control I had over that bodily function. sigh.) Baby's head was really sad looking as it had had a lot of pressure on it, being stuck, for over 3 hours. He also didn't cry at first. But he was very alert, looking around with his eyes wide open while they cleaned him up. They had put him on my belly right after he was delivered, but I was so tired, I couldn't even hold him. I also recall my husband kissing my forehead and saying 'you did it!!!' Yup, I did it.

He was born at 2238. 8 lbs. 7 oz. 20 inches. February 5.

I'm not sure if I was smart or crazy to do a VBAC. If (and that is a giant if) I have any more babies, I suppose I can deliver vaginally again. I find it fascinating that 1) women deliver like this all the time. 2) women choose to do it without pain meds. I fully support women choosing both of those things. It just is still crazy sounding to me.

Now that he is a month old, I am still taking motrin twice a day for the pain. I tried to only take one, and boy that was not good. My favorite thing is the squeeze bottle I brought home from the hospital. My milk coming in was not near as bad (although still incredibly painful) as the first two times. I still have a belly which means I can't fit any of my clothes, and my nursing boobs won't fit into any of my shirts. So I am restricted to elastic waist pants and maternity shirts until things get back to normal. I tell myself 9 months up, 9 months down.....but that still doesn't make me feel any better about not fitting my clothes. I could go buy some jeans that fit, except jeans that are long enough for me are dang expensive. And buying expensive jeans for only a few months time almost doesn't seem worth it. I may give in and buy one pair....I don't know.

Right now he is sleeping on my chest. I feel like I can't seem to get anything done around here. Laundry is piled high, the dishes need to be done. My bed doesn't get made. Dinners are sad. I have had help for the last month between my husband (who got the week off of work to stay home that first week), my best friend, my sister in law, and then my mother. Now they are all gone. And while I am enjoying having the house to myself again, I am finding it tough to accomplish anything. I am seriously considering getting a housekeeper once a month for the next two months or so. Changing your expectations of yourself is rough. I know things will get better, so I just have to be patient with myself, do the best that I can, and accept how things are. And now I need to eat breakfast so that I can take a motrin so I can walk without dying today.