Facebook strikes again!

Oh man. Sometimes Facebook just isn't worth it!!!

Here is the set up: Friend one posts something about moving as apparently, her landlords aren't doing anything about 1) the noisy neighbor that just moved in (and also rent from the same landlord) and 2) the oven is broken, and they haven't fixed it. Then she proceeds to call them names (lazy butts). Friend two is her landlord.

So, I commented and said a few things regarding the oven and neighbors, and then said that considering that 9 of her friends were also friends with her landlord, that it was an inappropriate place for her to be talking about this, as well as calling them names. Which, it is. I know, by a really crappy experience, that when you talk about people online, it comes back and bites you in the behind. Friend one responded with something about if they worried so much about appearances, then they should do something rather than not do anything. Ok, so really, is there anything a landlord that lives five miles away can do about noisy neighbors??? No. It is frustrating for the people next door? Absolutely. Is it frustrating to not have a working oven? Absolutely. Is whining about it on Facebook the right thing to do when you share friends with your landlord??? 100% no. I have no idea what was done about the oven. Should it have been fixed sooner? Probably. Has friend one been proactive about communicating with her landlord? We have no idea.

So, lesson learned from all of this is there is a line. While I'm sure I've crossed it before, I really try really hard not to cross it. I even have my own set of Facebook rules. I don't comment on political stuff. If I disagree with something, I try to just scroll past. If they use a lot of profanity, on a regular basis, I will probably unfriend them. (In fact, friend one unfriended me today, so there you go.) I'm sure many of you have some rules for yourself as well.

Ugh. So lame. Should I have said something?? I don't know. But I would have stood up for any of my friends if I had seen something similar written. In fact, today, a sibling of mine posted something about basketball game. He and a few other of his guy friends started using female slurs (vagina, pussy) referencing the referee and how badly he was doing, as well as how they players were playing. Saying that calling them a pussy or a vagina is a put down. I couldn't stand it. I said something. Some things are just so bad that I can't scroll past it.

I think it is time I reevaluate my personal rules for Facebook, and make sure they are enough to keep it something worthwhile.

Bad timing

Instead of sitting at the computer, I should be getting ready for our movers. Because they are coming tomorrow. This move will be the first that we are able to get our stuff sooner than 5 weeks. Sometimes it has been as long as 8 or 10 weeks because of location and because we didn't have a place to live yet. (this time it will be about 2 weeks)

I'm tired. The kids and I are mostly packed. But I am packing more than clothes. I have to pack stuff to cook with, things to eat on, school backpacks, paperwork....and I can't think of anything else right now. But all of the stuff that we take with us has to be in our cars before the movers come so they don't pack the stuff we need.

The movers are packing and loading on different days. Which just might really suck. As well as we have to clear our rental by the end of the month. We've had some issues matching the paint in our house as well. Quadrant Homes, which built this house, used paint that was only made for these houses. So when you go back to the manufacturer, they can't recreate it exactly because they no longer have it. But all I have is a quart of paint. To touch up the entire house. We are trying to figure it all out. I really don't like Quadrant Homes.

I am not looking forward at all to this move. I don't want to drive in the winter. I don't want to take my kids out of school halfway through the year. And I've got about two months left with this pregnancy, and driving 1,000 miles, while pregnant, in the winter, sounds like a nightmare.

Tonight I am going to finish up our packing as best I can, and get to bed so we can get up early and get everything out to the cars.

And then once the movers are done, we still have to clean, and also the carpet cleaners are coming on Wednesday. The only good thing about getting on the road is that the house will be done.

I'm tired.

Bravery

Last week I saw this invitation to write about bravery. About you being brave, and facing a fear. (more thoughts on bravery here.)

And you know what, I doubt many of us would consider ourselves 'brave'. We might look at someone else, and think, man, THAT person is brave, but not me.

Well, right now I am claiming the bravery title.

Three years ago today, I lost my third pregnancy. There was no explanation, his heart was no longer beating. I found this out at week 16 1/2. You might think the following hours were a bit blurry for me, but they are very clear in my memory. Of course I fell apart in the exam room. I didn't know where my husband was at the time, and the doctors were trying to find him for me. It was taking some time, and finally I just went out to my car, keeping myself together for the five or so minutes it took to leave the clinic in the hospital and get to my car. It was decided, between myself, my husband (a Physicians Assistant), and my doctors that I be induced and deliver the baby. We made arrangements for Superhero and Blondie to be taken care of overnight, and the next morning, as soon as they had a bed, we went to Labor and Delivery.

Before I go any further, I want to say that my doctors and nurses were truly amazing. Perhaps they were extra nice to me considering my situation. I know there are many out there who have terrible experiences with military health care providers, but that has not been my experience. I don't know how we've gotten lucky each time that our family has needed to be in the hospital, but we just have.

They induced me, and I'm not sure why I didn't figure this out, but at that point in development, there is no need to dilate to a 10. It took some time to get me to a 5, and at that point I was asked to start pushing. This was the only time I have ever delivered a baby vaginally. As well as without pain medication. After I delivered, they put him on a warmer, as I tried to emotionally and physically recover from what I just went through.

About an hour later, they asked if I would like to hold him. I did. My husband did not.

Later that night, while talking on the phone to my best friend, I seemed very calm. I was calm. In fact I had this sense of peace that I knew was not coming from myself. I can't describe it any other way.

They kept me overnight, to make sure there was not bleeding. They sent me home the next day, with a box of things. They had dressed him in a small blue outfit and had taken pictures of him, and the outfit, as well as a few other things provided by organizations for situations like this had donated or made. That hour of peace was no more, and in pretty much every aspect, I was a wreck.

My milk came in the next day, which was a nightmare. They had said it wouldn't, but boy did it come. Having milk with no baby to give it to was....um.....don't really know the right word for this, but maybe you can try and imagine.

I recovered, and eventually found some peace with what happened, and with that peace was able to move on.

Fast forward two years, (and two moves and a deployment) and I found myself pregnant again. Just a few months after my husband had come home from deployment. We kept it to ourselves for many weeks. Things were going well. One Thursday, I started to feel these odd pains. I know that when you're pregnant, things hurt sometimes, so I didn't pay too much attention to it. I told my husband, and we both figured it wasn't a big deal. Saturday, right at about my 16 week mark, in the afternoon, those very same pains became a much bigger deal. My uterus was contracting. I drank massive amounts of water, put my feet up, and prayed the contractions would stop. They did not. My husband, somewhat in denial about what was really happening, didn't think I needed to go to the hospital. I felt a pop in my cervix and my water broke. He took me to the ER. I also remember this very clearly. I won't go into the details, but once they got things mostly taken care of, my uterus wouldn't stop bleeding. They decided to do a D&C to try and get it to stop. They got some blood ready just in case they needed to give me a transfusion. And then blessedly I was knocked out and got to forget what was going on for a little while. I ended up losing about a liter of blood, which really takes you out for a few days. I couldn't walk without some help, could barely keep my head up. I have never felt so exhausted, even after my c-sections.

Obviously, I was a disaster yet again. Thankfully, this time around I had a therapist already, and went to her as soon as I could. I didn't have that feeling of peace like I had the first time. Perhaps it was because of the pain meds. And yet again, there was no way to know why this had happened. The two incidents were so different, there was no way to be able to know. It really messed with my head. One good thing was that my milk didn't come in. That probably would have sent me over the edge.

After these two experiences, I was unsure as to what my next step was. Should we try again? Should we call it quits? What the heck was wrong with my body? Why was this happening? As I was having the contractions I told my husband that I just couldn't go through this again...and then he watched me go through it all over again. As I was recovering after my D&C, one of the first things he said was that we should just try adoption. Me, in my medicated and lacking a liter of blood state, could barely focus on having a conversation let alone try and make a decision. But of course he had been wide awake and thinking for the entire time I had been under.

After seeing my therapist a few times and talking to my husband, as well as praying and meditating on what the next step for our family should be, I came to a decision. I decided that I would try one more time. So, I knelt down and had a conversation with Heavenly Father. I told Him I would try one more time. And if it ended like the others, or somewhere in between, I would be done. And then at that point we would decide if we would try to adopt or be glad for the children we had and stop adding to our family. Five months later, I found myself pregnant again. I couldn't believe it. I went to the doctor that had done my D&C and asked if I was high risk. Believe it or not, I wasn't. But thankfully, she did agree to be my doctor. (Usually at a military hospital, you're assigned to a team of docs. And when you call to make your appointment, they put you with any of those docs. Luckily, she agreed to allow me to only see her so I didn't have to go through my history multiple times.)

She did a vaginal ultrasound to determine how far along I was (I practically knew the day it was conceived, but she wanted to make sure). I brought home the pictures she printed for me, and showed them to my husband. He made a comment that I will always remember. Usually when you look at ultrasound pictures, there is an excitement, a happiness. He talked about how looking at them, all he felt was hope. Hope that it would work out. Hope that I wouldn't have to go through a nightmare yet again. No excitement, no happiness. Just hope.

So, back to the whole reason I wrote this: bravery. So far, in my life, the bravest thing I've ever done is try and get pregnant for the 5th time. Some might say supporting my husband in joining the Army was brave. Or maybe going on a mission to France, or maybe moving our family overseas to Germany for the Army. Or even sending my husband off to deploy to Afghanistan. Nope. All those things were easier.

Being brave is so subjective. For me, trying this again was the biggest and bravest thing I've done.

And so far, it's been worth it. We are good, healthy, and doing lots of kicking. I still have anxiety. I still like to stop during the day and be still so I can feel him in there. My friend said at first that I was bonding to him....nope, I just need reassurance that he is still alive (maybe there is bonding, I'm just really concerned about him staying alive). I have moments of panic, where I think that now that I'm telling people, everything is going to go downhill. Or that now that I'm starting to accept and get used to the idea, it's going to go downhill. I think up to the moment that I hear him cry, I'll have that anxiety.

Not really sure how to end this, because this story doesn't have an end yet. My plan is just to get through this one day at a time.

Had an interesting conversation with my dad tonight.

He was on his way home from visiting my grandma. He goes over pretty much every Sunday after church. He was telling me about this latest visit. My grandma doesn't have any major health problems yet. She lives on her own, in the house that she's lived in since 1956. So far, her living on her own has been ok. I have an aunt that live somewhat nearby, as well as some other family members. And of course my dad, and my uncle go over almost every Sunday. Anyway, my grandma is notoriously cantankerous. She's been like this pretty much her entire life. And right now the difficulty is trying to convince her that she really shouldn't be living on her own anymore.

We got to talking a little bit about why the heck grandma is the way she is. I know we all come to this earth with our own quirky personalities, but grandma was a lot more than quirky. My dad talked about what he remembers about her growing up, and about her parents. She had some issues with her father, and by the time my dad was born and able to remember things great grandma and great grandpa were no longer sleeping in the same room. While we don't know exactly why grandma was/is always so angry, she did have a hard time forgiving and letting go. There is a rumor that great grandpa had an affair, and perhaps that is why, amongst other things, that she just couldn't forgive her father. In fact, he has been dead since I was a little girl, about 30 years ago, and only in the last 6 has she said that she has forgiven her father.

All this has gotten me thinking. As a little girl, I looked just like my grandma when she was a little girl. In fact, my grandpa showed my mom a picture of my grandma at the same age I happened to be at the time (maybe 5 or 6) and when asked who it was, my mom said it was me, but knowing it wasn't since it was a black and white picture.

And now as an adult, and as a teenager, I have had a heck of a time forgiving. I cannot say why (perhaps this was a learned behavior, probably from my mother who had somewhat the same issue) I have this problem, I just do. And it causes me problems all the time. Because one of the biggest things in marriage is learning how to forgive the other person, pretty much daily. But not just that, there are other things that I need to forgive. Granted, forgiveness does take time and effort, but I really struggle. And seeing and hearing about what my grandma is now, kind of scares me. I don't want to become like her. I want to be able to forgive easier, and not turn out holding onto grudges for so long I've become angry at the world. And I really don't want to take more than 30 years to forgive someone. I don't want to be like her.

My grandma was a good grandma. Came to our games, bought us Christmas gifts, came to birthdays and baptisms and blessings. Was there for graduations, band competitions and anything else we did. Babysat us when we were kids, always had froot loops for us for breakfast. I never felt like my grandma didn't love me or any of my cousins. She did have her favorite that could do no wrong (they were nightmares), but overall, she was a good grandma. But she probably could have done better, been happier, if she could have learned to forgive.

I've been examining my own soul lately, about why I am having a hard time forgiving, specifically, my husbands father. He was truly terrible. The emails, personal attacks on my old blog, how he treated everyone, was terrible. I cut off all communication to him over two years ago. It was the best thing I could have done. Since that time, he has apparently made a lot of changes, and is active in his ward (as active as he can be since he is in a lot of pain due to neuropathy throughout most of his body) and has also been through the temple. I knew I was progressing in the forgiveness process when I saw pictures of them at the temple and I didn't feel that anger that used to instantly come over me when it came to his dad.

I think the hard part for me was that phrase that you hear so much 'forgive and forget'. I mean, NO WAY was I going to forget what this man did to me and my family. No freaking way. And if forgetting was part of forgiving, then I guess I would never do it. I believe it is dangerous, especially when abuse of any sort is concerned, to forget. I will never allow myself to be in that situation again, as a protection for myself and my family. But a few weeks ago I read this story on CNN, that gave me a new perspective on the whole forgiveness thing. (this was the fourth part in the story, there are links to the first three on the story) The daughter witnessed a man shooting her mother and killing her. And she had this to say about forgiveness:

"Sometimes, when people forgive, they feel like they're saying what that person did was OK. That's not what it's doing. When you forgive, you're letting go of the pain and giving it to God."

That was my problem. I didn't want to forgive because of that exact reason. I don't know why I thought that way, I just did. And that quote keeps going through my head, and I've been thinking a lot about the work I have to do to be able to completely forgive. Giving it to God seems so easy. But it is dang hard sometimes. I hope that with practice I'll get better at the process. I mean if this woman can forgive, why the heck can't I?

So, new personal goals are to really work on forgiving. I don't want to carry around extra emotional weight that I don't need. I read somewhere someone's visual on how to give it all to God....you're getting all of it in a ball, and tossing it to God, but he doesn't toss it back. I am going to do this. I have to. Cause I am not going to be like my grandma. At least in this I won't. Although I may end up with her mostly salt and a little pepper hair....seems to run in the family.

I'm working on it

Our family is in limbo.

We know we'll be moving, and we know where we'll be moving. The big question right now is when.

When it comes to the United States Army and being efficient......yeah, most people, at least on my end of things, would never put those two together. I understand this. We've been in the US Army for over 8 years, and getting orders is never a quick thing. Half the time the family isn't included. Or you only get the first page, and have to wait for the second page and that will take more time. It is the nature of the beast. I mean, getting anything done in the Army that requires more than one person and one sheet of paper takes forever.

Anyway, I am getting a tad antsy about knowing when we'll be moving.

I also have a new responsibility at church. I've done this same thing two times before, as well as running it. I've been to one meeting so far, and I feel like my head is going to explode. We had to meet in the kitchen of our church building (the rooms were being used) and then it didn't turn out to be a meeting, as we were going to do some visits, which I wasn't prepared for. I have no idea when our next meeting will be. Two of the four of us don't even have the internet at their house, and one of those doesn't have a computer.

Right now my goal is to try and find positive, constructive ways to make the changes necessary for things to run the way they need to. Sadly, right now, all I can think of is saying "What the crap are you guys doing?? How do you even function??? This has got to change!!!" Obviously, that is not the best way to bring about change. I'm still working on it. Who knows when our next meeting will be, so I better be ready when the time comes. First one is slightly passive aggressive: bring an agenda. Because I think that is the best starting point....

Add to my admittedly small frustrations is the weather. Fall is coming. When we came home from California three weeks ago, leaves were already starting to change. The clouds have come back, and the temps are going down. The Northwest barely had a summer, so I'm not liking this change much. But since no one can control the weather, I just have to go with it, and bust out my vitamin D.

Can you tell I'm working on being positive? Sometimes it's really hard. Today it isn't so hard. Tomorrow is looking good too.

I should really go to bed

But instead I am up. And I'm thinking about an experience today that I'm trying to wrap my brain around.

Here is the background:

Yesterday, as my kids were heading out to the bus stop, I noticed that there was a different sound that morning. It ended up being two small four-wheelers and a mini motorcycle being ridden by what looked like to me 10 year olds. They had helmets on, so I wasn't exactly sure of what neighborhood kids were doing the riding. It was also trash day, and both the recycle truck and regular trash truck were out. As well as the multiple buses and cars that come through the neighborhood at that time of day. These kids were going around and around the block. I think I came in and got something to eat and read my blogs. I could still hear them going outside. I went to my neighbors house, who has a big window in front making it easier to see, and she and I watched these kids for a few minutes. As we were watching, the police show up. And perhaps this is where I made a mistake. But as the policeman was talking to the kids, I went over to make sure he knew just what they were doing, and how long they were doing it. At that point I recognized one of the kids. First bit of information is that the four-wheelers are illegal. I told the police officer that they had been out there for over an hour, and that no, it was not a late start day. Also that they had been going in and out of the bus zones while the buses were picking up kids. I told them they shouldn't be doing what they were doing, and that they better get home. I didn't even know where these kids even lived. So it wasn't as if I could go and talk to the parent.

Today, while looking for my independent Blondie, the parent of these kids confronts me and tells me that I was rude to her kids.

It did not go well. I was extremely tired today, but as it was also Superhero's birthday, I had pushed myself to get some important things done. Then had fallen asleep while my husband took Superhero and a neighbor boy on a bike ride. I had just woken up from my accidental nap, and I am being yelled at because I told some kids that they shouldn't be doing what they are doing. I mean, someone had called the police (I later found out who it was) because of their behavior, so it isn't just me that thinks this.

I was tired, it was unexpected, and I did not respond in the best way.

Also, I am one of those moms that is going to get after your kid when you're not around. I have gotten after several kids in the neighborhood multiple times. Usually it is because they are bullying my kids, or walking through my backyard (our owner refuses to put up a fence). It is equal opportunity for me. If I'm watching your kids, they are treated like mine. I'll put them in time out, get after them to clean up. I hope that others would do the same for mine. I forget sometimes that there are these crazy parents that not only do they not discipline or have expectations for their kids, but will get upset at you for calling out their kids for their poor behavior.

Like I said, things did not go well. My plan for now is this: To go to her tomorrow and apologize for my reaction. It was not a good one. But also to be clear that I will get after her children if they are doing something that will harm them or others. And especially if they are doing something at or to my kids. And it just might be rude. I know I can't have high expectations of what she'll say. I expect I'll get called psycho, like I overheard her calling me earlier, maybe some other colorful things. Whatever. I need to apologize for how I reacted, but also make clear what kind of parent I am. I don't mind getting yelled at for doing the right thing. I only wish I had been the one to call the cops.

Luckily, we'll probably be moving soon. So I won't have to deal with her for much longer. And, the weather will start to get cooler, and the kids won't be outside as much.

And now I'm going to sleep on these thoughts. I may wake up and decide not to do anything at all. Lets see what the morning brings....

A bit of a rant

This last Sunday was Fast Sunday at church. Meaning that most of the ward (congregation) fasts. And rather than have scheduled speakers for the meeting, those who feel inspired to do so, can go up to the pulpit and bear testimony. These Sundays can be awesome or make you want to hide under your pew and hope there aren't any non-members in the crowd.

This past Sunday wasn't too bad. But then someone got up, someone who I like, and for whatever reason started talking about how women don't need the priesthood because we get to have babies. And other stuff.

My head exploded.

Here is the deal people. Men in our church get the priesthood regardless of if they are a parent. In fact, they get it at 12. And as long as they don't royally screw up, they can keep it, use it, for the rest of their lives, regardless of if they are married or not.

Women get nothing at 12. Women may or may not get married. And even then, they still may not have kids, some by choice, some because either their body or their husbands does not want to do what it should. 25% of pregnancies end before they are full term. That means 1 out of every 4 pregnancies people. And unfortunately, some of us women get more than our share of losing pregnancies, or just not getting pregnant at all.

My point: priesthood does not equal motherhood.

Am I saying that I want the priesthood??? Heck no. While I believe that at some point women in our church will have it, that isn't what this post is about. What I am looking for is more women in leadership positions. Having their opinions count just as much, and the men not holding the priesthood over our heads like they have some higher authority, that somehow we women don't have access to....uh, no. I would also like to have women valued not because they can have babies but because of who they are. Women that aren't married have a lot to give. Women without children have a lot to give. And I think they are sadly undervalued in our church.

Recently I heard about this Mormen Men blog. He writes about how feminism in our church is emasculating the men, and how the men need to take back the power, and get these women to be more submissive, to get these men to get their 'Game' back. (and yes, he capitalizes it) I didn't bother to read the blog, but then my curiosity got the best of me after I read a bit of his ex-wife's blog. He had cheated on her, but because she wasn't as submissive and willing to lose this amount of weight, or grow her hair out, so he said it was her fault. I wish I were joking. Unfortunately, he has made both of his blogs private because of all the hits he was getting from this blog. While I am a more moderate type of a feminist (I don't want the priesthood, just wish there were more women voices being heard, and our issues taken more seriously) I was truly laughing out loud at this guys blog.

After hearing what my friend had to say from the pulpit (and knowing she was about to go and teach the young women pretty much the same thing since she also shared that from the pulpit) and then reading this man's blogs....I just could not believe it.

Luckily, for the most part, my parents did not display this attitude in our home. My parents come from very strong mothers, who when they had to, did what they had to do, regardless of what society may have told them about mothers working or women getting college degrees and actually using them. I have been a very independent person my entire life. I cannot even imagine having to 'submit' to my husband, do my hair they way he liked, and pretty much be subject to his every whim......I wouldn't last a month. I also believe that while being a mother is a HUGE part of my life, there are also other parts that are also just as important in the shaping of who I am. Just like having the priesthood does not define who a man is, neither does motherhood. It is only a part. And I hope that this attitude, especially in our church, becomes what is being taught, rather than this other stuff that makes my head (and my heart) feel like they are going to explode....

I had an experience about five or so years ago. We were currently living in San Antonio TX. Before we lived in Texas, we had lived in Germany for two and a half years. When we got back to the states, we made a short visit home, which is Southern California for both my husband and I. About two months later, my grandpa passed away, so I flew back for two weeks with my kids. But I really wanted to drive and spend a longer time, and really wanted to spend some time at my sisters house. She lived right off the route I would take, and I wanted my kids to be able to spend time with their cousins. My husband was very concerned about me. It is about 1400 miles from San Antonio to Los Angeles. He told me he didn't want me driving at night, and that I had to be careful getting a hotel etc. He almost didn't want me to go because he thought I wouldn't be safe without him. Which really ticked me off. Tell me I can't do something and then watch me do it. Obviously, I made the trip just fine. Yes, it was hard. Driving with two toddlers that far isn't exactly a picnic. But it was worth it. We had a small get together since it was my kids birthdays. Both my side and my husbands side of the family were invited. My father in law, who on his fourth wife finally has a doormat he can walk all over, said that if I were his wife, he wouldn't 'let' me go. LET me??? Are you serious??? My husband didn't LET me. I didn't 'ask his permission'. I have encountered more of this attitude with my husbands family than with mine. So I know my husband still has bits and pieces of it floating around in him. He has come a long way in the ten years we've been married. Since that first long drive, I have driven many places, many of them hundreds of miles away, all alone, with no problems. I spent a year on my own while he was deployed. I have had to be alone numerous times as he does military training. If I subscribed to this other way of thinking (submitting to my husband and other stupid things like that) I would be a mess. I HAVE to make decisions for myself. I have to be a strong parent to make up for him being gone sometimes. To deal with and help my children deal with our moves.

My daughter has a very strong personality. The attitude from my father in law would damage her. She would just rebel. I want to raise her, within my church, to know she is heard. That she is a multidimensional person, and she is valued because of who she is, not because she has a uterus and ovaries. I want to be an example of that. She is too young to really comprehend what was being said from the pulpit that day, so as things come up, we'll deal with them. My husband probably isn't 100% with me on this, as I know he was taught somewhat differently and had very different examples of women in his life. But I think he will come around as time passes on as he realizes what it means for this little independent soul we have running around.

I see a better future for women, just as our predecessors saw for us. I am grateful for them. I hope things are even better for my daughter, so that things like what I heard this last Sunday aren't heard from the pulpit anymore.

Hard

So, just in case you didn't know, I am human.

I also, you know, sometimes, try to be Christlike. And when I say that, I mean to do what He would do if He were here. I have my good moments and my bad, just like everyone.

But there is one big thing that I have REALLY had a hard time 'being Christlike' about.

Almost every time it comes up, I get angry. I get angry because I remember. I get angry because I feel that I never got to say what I needed to say. I get angry for some other reasons, too. I thought I was improving, thought I was almost getting to the point of letting go, so that I could get to the other important characteristic of Christ...forgiving.

I don't forgive well. It has been a huge difficulty of mine ever since I was a kid. And it doesn't get any easier as an adult, with adult issues with other adults.

Lets just say I would rather be dealing with my sister who hit me than this situation.

So, back to forgiving.....still working on it.

Kids and poop

Last night, my neighbors nephews were over at my house. The younger one is about the same age as Blondie. They were over at my neighbors house and the boys wanted to come over to our house. Which was fine.

Our downstairs bathroom is right next to the front door (yet another odd thing about this house floor plan....the dining room is also right as you walk in, and I have to walk through the living room to get to the dining room....anyway) and I heard the youngest one in the bathroom, and he went back to my neighbors as soon as he was done.

Superhero went in a little bit later to use the bathroom, and came out with the news that there was poop on the wall. I knew right away it had to be that little guy. So, I'm thinking it is a little bit of smudges on the wall. Oh no. When I get in there to take a look....wow. 5 or 6 smudges that were pretty big, and a chunk of poop sticking out an inch from the wall. Wow. I thought it was hysterical.

I called over, hoping he was still there so he could come over and clean it up, but they had already left. My neighbor came over and cleaned it. She made the point that she would never call out another kid on doing something like that. That it would be too embarrassing.

Maybe I'm weird, but I would totally get the kid that did it, and have them clean it up. I wouldn't announce it over a loud speaker or anything, but I sure would give them what they needed to clean it up and have them do it. You make a mess, you clean it up. Yeah, it would be embarrassing at first, but why the heck did they do it in the first place??? I guess I'm just a big fan of natural consequences at my house. What would you do? Would you not say anything? Would you just talk to them about it? Would you let their parent do the talking? Or, would you do what I would do, and have the kid do the dirty work?

When kids are at my house, I treat them like my own. And my good friends treat mine like theirs. I would hope that if my kids EVER did something like that, and I wasn't around, they would have consequences.

Loved it

Like I talked about earlier, I really do not like going to movie theaters.

This last week, I made an exception.

Last year we read The Help for my book group. I read almost the entire thing driving back from one of my husbands triathlons. It was a 4 hour plus drive, so I had the time. I couldn't stop reading it. It just drew me in. So, since the movie just came out, we got our book group together (well, as many that could) and went to a late showing.

Loved it.

Yes, it was different than the book. But what movie isn't?? I mean, excepting those BBC movies that are hours long (Pride and Prejudice, Bleak House, etc....) you are never going to have a movie that goes perfectly with the book. I didn't have that expectation.

I would even pay to go back and see it. In fact, I'm going to read it again. Mostly because I cannot articulate what it is I loved so much about it.

Go see it. Get your husband or your girl friends, or your boy friend and go and see it. Maybe I'll be able to figure out what is just so amazing about it after I've watched it again.

Organic???

So, here's a loaded question: do you buy organic???

If I can afford it, I do. Why do I buy organic? Because I really believe that farming without pesticides and eating food that isn't covered in pesticides is better for the earth and our bodies.

I am lucky in a lot of ways. I can go to the commissary, where organic items are significantly less expensive (most of the time anyway) than regular stores. I also do not have a very large family, so I don't need to buy huge amounts of it. Costco also carries many organic products.

I even buy natural/organic personal products. Yes, they are really expensive. But again, I can go to the commissary. And sometimes they even have coupons so it becomes about the same price non organic personal items.

I do have a few personal rules about buying organic produce. If we eat the skin, like an apple or berries, I do my best to buy organic. If we don't eat the skin, like banana's or avocados, then I usually just buy non organic. Yes, it's mostly because of the price, and also because we're throwing away the majority of the chemicals when we peel it.

I have even found something very interesting. My son Superhero has ADD. And while we don't medicate him, I do try to watch his diet. Anything processed from a store, like a cookie or a popsicle, when eaten at a certain time of day, does crazy things to his body, which then makes him act like a crazy person and then he won't go to sleep and has an incredibly difficult time listening and following directions. I know, this sounds a little crazy, but just stick with me here. While as a general rule, we do not allow him to have any sort of treat after dinner (not even one small scoop of ice cream people, it does get that bad) when he has a cookie or brownie or something that I've made with the organic sugar I buy from Costco (I saw the same sugar at Whole Foods, 16 oz. bag, for $3.99. I buy a 10 lb bag from Costco for a little more than $8.00)(and it's even fair trade!!!) he does not exhibit that same behavior. I know, it sounds crazy, but it happens every time. Also, as a side note, during the school year, I make sure he gets a good amount of protein with only a few carbs for breakfast, and it really improves his behavior at school. So, it's worth it for a few extra dishes to wash to make his teachers day a bit easier, as well as give him the opportunity to make good choices, and to learn things better.

So, for us, it's worth it. Maybe someday, when I live in a place that actually has sun for at least half of the year, I'll garden and grow my own stuff.

Over the edge

So, I am wondering, how do you get your kids to help clean their rooms??

I've tried a few things, but nothing has ever really truly worked. And when I say worked, I mean that when I say it's time to clean rooms, they say 'okay'.

Okay, I know that is more of a dream, but would it be too much to ask for less whining and crying?

I am not the best picker upper or cleaner. I have greatly improved since I was married, and I hope to continue to improve. My problem is that when these kids are home, they eat, they play, they change clothes a gazillion times, and all of a sudden, the playroom/living room/bedroom is barely recognizable. Not to mention the kitchen....I think my husband is the biggest culprit there.

I have tried dad dollars to get them motivated. During the school year, we were doing pretty good. The schedule of school and other activities helped me to remember, and they would earn 'dollars' for having good mornings, and good afternoons etc. Now, there really aren't 'good mornings', we just have mornings when we wake up when we wake up, and we do what we feel like doing.

So, Blondie's room is a total disaster. As is her closet. She doesn't even have that many toys. But she gets these papers out and all of a sudden her room is covered in tiny toys (thank you littlest pet shop) and papers and I want to light the whole thing on fire.

Superhero's room isn't near as bad. His messes are usually books, lego's, and whatever isn't that he shoves under the bed. Sadly, my husband doesn't know this trick, and we've had to do some massive cleaning out from under the bed. I have also gone through his clothes and reorganized his drawers. It was less than a month ago. In that short time, his closet has gone down the crapper. I open a drawer that is supposed to be for socks and underwear, and find shirts and pants shoved into it.

I start to feel like a crazy person. Constantly cleaning up and organizing something puts me over the edge. Especially when I know that the person/child is totally capable of doing better. (it is especially irking when I push myself to do this or that because it's something I have a hard time with and then they totally DESTROY MY WORK!!! Perhaps it is just a trial a mother has, but it is truly pushing me over the edge.)

Enter the label maker.

Enter checklists posted in every conceivable place to remind them.

I picked up my label maker (brother, p-touch) from Costco the other day. This is my first one ever. I am going to label his dang drawers. As well as hers. And I'm sure I can find other things in the house to label. Like my cooler. Or our dvd's.

I am going to put my laptop back near the printer and there are going to be lists in bedrooms, closets and bathrooms.

And you know what, it will be very hard not to do this same thing for my husband. He needs just as much help with these sorts of things as the kids do. I mean, would it kill you to close a drawer or close a cupboard??? I know, little things, they shouldn't matter. But, unless it is a HUGE emergency, everyone has time to close a drawer or cupboard.

So, goal for the week is to get this process started. I don't think I'll finish, and I know things aren't going to magically run smoothly right away. But if I 'reward' their efforts and attempts to use the labels and to use the checklists with dad/mom dollars (some have pics of me and some have pics of him) I hope to see improvement.

My ultimate goal is this: when they leave the house/go on a mission for our church/get married/go to college, their roommates/spouses/missionary companions will not lose their minds because because my children can't take care of their space. I hope for the opposite. I hope that things will stay reasonably picked up and that they can hang up their dang towel.

I'll let you know how it goes.....

Dolphins

I remember the first time I ever saw dolphins swimming in the ocean.

I was about 14 or 15, and our family was camping at Grover Beach. My sister and I woke up and decided that we were going to walk to the beach before breakfast. Mostly just to get out of the tent we were sharing with two of my brothers. It's amazing how boys in the middle of puberty don't even have to do anything to stink it up.....

We had to walk over the dunes to get to the beach. We were mostly looking for these teeny tiny sand dollars on the sand. An Italian couple were also out walking. Then all of a sudden they yelled and were pointing out to the water. We looked, and there they were. It was almost as if we could swim to them, they were that close. By that point, my whole family (six kids and two parents) had decided to follow us and were at the beach, so we all saw them.

It was pretty awesome.

I've seen them several times since then, and every time it amazes me.

I love it. Maybe some day I'll get to swim with them.

At least it didn't rain

I'm waiting for the washing machine to finish. Otherwise, I would be in bed.

We had four or five days of beautiful sun and warmth. I had made plans today to visit my aunt, and go to the beach (well, a puget sound beach) near her house where she said there were lots of starfish.

And of course, in classic pacific northwest style, today barely got above 70, and I think I saw blue sky only as I was coming home. And, we were there so early, that the tide was too high to see much. Not to mention that it was cold, so there was no way I was getting into the water to go and see what we could find.

There was a pier, with people fishing for crab and actual fish. The kids thought that was pretty cool. We were also next to the boat launch, so it was cool to see so many boats come in and out.

It could have been a worse day, for example, it could have rained. But, lucky for us, it didn't.

Well, I have no idea how long it's been since I started typing, but it is starting to sound like my washer might be getting done. So, I will end this sad post.

Like Annie says, "the sun will come out, tomorrow!" But I don't think she had ever been to the pacific northwest.

Summer

I love summer nights.

The few clouds that are in the sky are pink with the sun setting. People have their sprinklers going.

There is a slight breeze.

The smell of the water coming out of the hose. (it has a smell. and a taste.)

Remembering how the sun felt on your skin that day.

And feeling like this is so precious because we get so few days like this.

I wish I weren't so tired so I could go outside and enjoy more of it.

Almost forgot

It's late, and I almost forgot to do my ten minutes.

I had a friends kids over for a while so she could pick up her husband (who had been gone for work for two to three months) in peace. And because, for a change, it was super nice outside, I did my best to keep all five kids outside to play. It worked for a little while. I managed to be out long enough to get a little bit of a flip flop tan on my feet, which warmed my heart.

I have been reading a lot of books. Saving CeeCee Honeycutt, Heaven is for Real, Beside a Burning Sea, and I Still Dream About You. And tonight I started The Poisonwood Bible. Our book club is starting up next month again, so I'm trying to read the books I want to read before I commit to reading books that other people want to read. I really do enjoy our little group that gets together. We'll be talking about The Historian at our next meeting.

My vacuum is on its way out. Which is sad, as it is purple. When my husband bought it for me, he bought it because he knew I liked the color purple. Well, and we needed a new vacuum. And I always use cleaning products or appliances more if they smell nice and/or are pretty. You can't not use a purple vacuum. I will have to start pricing them out. In a perfect world, I would have two vacuums. One for the upstairs and one for the downstairs. I just hate carrying those heavy things up and down. We do have a small handheld one for the stairs and the car.....

Well, my ten is almost up. It is late, and I need to get to bed because tomorrow we don't have any plans, and I'm looking forward to just being home, without anyone coming over (I watched two other sets of kids last week. I don't mind watching other kids. But I think I'm done with that for a week or two.) and without having to do much at all. Maybe we'll go get their school supplies. And some milk....almost out of milk.......

Food

I am now a fan of going on food tours. Last Friday, we drove up to the big city and went on a gourmet food tour. The next morning, we went on another one, it was a chocolate tour. You get to walk around the downtown area, and eat food.

The above is called drinking chocolate. It was thick, you could taste the different spices they had put into it. Our tour guide also had to fend off passersby, as they thought he was handing out free samples. This was on our second tour.

Now this was my favorite from our gourmet tour. It is a pizza (which was a little sourdough like), with yukon gold potatoes, pecorino cheese, olive oil, and herbs. I wish I could have had the whole pizza. In fact, after our chocolate tour, we walked right past it and I kept trying to get my husband to stop and have lunch there....I think he was too full of all the treats we had already had. Oh well. I know for next time I'm there.

All in all, our overnight trip was lovely. We stayed in a very nice hotel (probably the most expensive one we've ever stayed in), ate delicious food, the sun was out, and the best of all was that we didn't have any kids with us. Sometimes I forget who we are without children.

And now since I've taken up more than ten minutes (I figured I could take up to 30 since I missed a few days), I am out of here.

Um

Well, the first big news of the day is that the sun is out!! Hooray!!

I usually play basketball on Thursday mornings. I was late this morning, but there was only one other person there. One on one would not have been fun. That was sad. I really look forward to playing every week.

My house feels like it is constantly chaotic. Because we've been home so much, they are playing and stuff is every where. It's like I can never clean off the counters in the kitchen and have them stay clean because someone is always getting something else out to eat. We're not getting the to bed at a decent time, which is biting me in the behind. Must get them to bed at a good time tonight.

Yesterday I started and finished a book. It was Saving CeeCee Honeycutt. I don't think it's a light read, but it is a fast one. And I really enjoyed it. A little bit like Fannie Flaggs books. I've also recently reread The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova and a few others that I can't quite remember.

Well, I'm over my ten minutes because what I first wrote was terrible, and I had to delete it. This isn't much better, but it will have to do. Must stick to my ten minutes rule. Otherwise I'll be on here for an hour. And I have more important things to do just now. Like go outside and sit in the sun.

Movies

This last weekend, my husband and went to see the last Harry Potter. Mostly because he wanted to see it.

The theater wasn't freezing cold, and the seats were the good ones where the arm rests went up. And of course we packed my purse before we went in. It was a matinee too, so it didn't cost an arm and a leg.

Every time I go see a movie in a theater, I am reminded how much I enjoy not going to movie theaters to watch movies.

I would much rather wait until I can get it on disc, and sit on my comfy couch, eat my own food, and use the pause button. Or fast forward button.

I really hate how much it costs, I hate that there are 50 or more other people in the same room, and we all have to listen to their noises. I hate having to wear my glasses because the screen is so dang big, that it makes my eyes feel weird when I watch a movie without them. There are very few movies that are worth spending all that money to sit with other people to watch something.

I find that not a lot of people share this. Just as many people don't share my disgust of super hero movies. I need plots that aren't full of holes, characters that have more than one dimension to them, and zero special effects. Large explosions and people dying bloody terrible deaths are not enjoyable to me.

I really wish that my husband had a friend he could go to the movies with. It would save me some money. (we do share love for the Bourne movies, Burn Notice (the tv show) and The Conte de Monte Cristo) The sacrifices we make for those we love......

Unexpected

Yesterday, my husband called and said that we needed to get a babysitter for the kids that could stay overnight. Which was a little surprising.

Our ten year anniversary is this week. I had decided that I wasn't going to say anything OR have any expectations about what we would be doing. We are going to my parents at the end of the summer, so I just assumed we would try and go away for a few days then, and leave the kids with my parents. But, as he told me yesterday on the phone, if you don't do it near the date, it doesn't count. (who knew??) He also said we could even go out on the day (which is not the weekend) but I said that we probably shouldn't. The kids go to an MMA gym in the next town twice a week, and it wasn't cheap. I don't want them to miss any days.

This is very uncharacteristic of him. I was pretty surprised at the whole thing. Because, with him, holidays and anniversaries aren't really a huge deal. Which is fine with me. My mom would do such an overkill on holidays and birthdays that going the opposite direction really doesn't bother me too much. Our last two anniversaries have been pretty lame. Last year he was on his way home from Afghanistan, and was stuck in Germany. The year before that, we thought he would be deploying that day, and didn't plan anything. Then, of course, they didn't deploy that day and we went out to dinner, but took the kids because we didn't have a sitter and were new to the area.....

I'm pretty excited about it. I have no idea what we're doing or where exactly we're going, but you can be sure I'll be bringing my camera. And enjoying just being us. Doing stuff as a family is great. But doing stuff with each other is sometimes a little bit better.

He did say it will probably be the coolest thing we've ever done......can Friday get here sooner please?????

Ten

This blog has been sad for a while.

A friend recently posted and typed as much as she could in about ten minutes as she has a toddler and a newborn and was trying to fit some things in a short amount of time.

I think I can do ten minutes a day.

Things on my mind today are: getting my laundry done, making my bed, and cleaning my kitchen. We are going back to visit family at the end of the summer, and I have to plan that out. But getting my husband to commit to anything is difficult, so I'm just going to plan things out, and if he doesn't like it, maybe next time he'll tell me what he wants.

Our weather right now is killing me. Most of the United States is having record high temperatures, but where I am, we've been above 80 degrees twice. It has rained, and been cloudy most of the summer. I know there are many who would enjoy this, but what gets me through the rest of the year is thinking about summer! And being able to swim, go to the beach, have the kids play outside, do outside activities like picnics, going to the park, going to the big city......and half the time we need our umbrellas.

Lets see, I have four minutes left.......this morning I read this. Oh man, do I need to work on this. I have such a hard time with having charity for others. I feel like I need to read this every day to remind myself to be kind, to give others the benefit of the doubt, and not to give in to my grumpy, say-what-I-think self.

How is that for a random blog post?? Hopefully as I get better at this, I'll have a post that actually makes sense.

Flock

In every setting where there are females, there is always a flock. At the work place, at church, at school booster and PTA meetings, in the neighborhoods. There is always a flock. And there is always a leader of this flock. Sometimes there are a few that take turns, or a group of them that every one follows.

Have you ever found yourself a part of that group without even realizing it? I have, and some times I hate it. I don't like it. There are many positive things these groups can do, and will do. But most of the time I just feel like a lemming jumping off the cliff because the ones in charge tell us to.

I don't want to have my own flock though. That isn't the goal here. I want to be me. Free to do what I want, with who ever I want. I don't want half the table at a 'girls lunch' to gang up on me, or my friend because the one in charge says something and every one else has to chime in with how that person is wrong. I want to be able to have people have their own opinions.

This whole phenomenon is why I love moving so much. While I may encounter the same thing at our next home, I feel like I'm better prepared to deal with it, because I try to take something I've learned with me every time I leave.

In our current location, sometimes I feel like there are a few people 'in charge'. I even spoke to someone that said 'the congregation will fall apart with out Hepzibah'. (of course hepzibah is not her real name. have you ever met one??) I thought REALLY??? Oh man.

I'm looking forward to moving. I look forward to others moving. I look forward to the change in dynamics that will inevitably come. I find it fascinating that until I left for my mission in France, I had only moved 3 times. That was all I knew. Since I've been home and married (it's been almost ten years) I've moved 9 times. And we're about to make it 10. And admittedly, while part of my excitement to move is to get away from this bloody rainy weather, another large part of that is to get a new chance at change. I love how I can leave that old me behind me and try again with new friends to be better this time around. To get away from this flock of women that scuttle around our church, knowing everything (you can't disagree with them) and trying to tell me how to think or feel or that I'm going to take their place when they leave....heaven help me.

This post was for Sunday Scribblings.

Evaluations

I bet you're wondering where the heck I have been! Actually, I doubt that since only four people read this blog on a regular basis.

Well, my life these last two months has had a few upheavals. Blogging wasn't very high on my priority list.

Superhero has been difficult these last few months. And while he was difficult before, the behavior was getting worse, especially at school. After a few incidences on the playground and subsequent discussions with his teacher and the school counselor, I decided to take him in to get evaluated for possible ADD/ADHD. Contrary to the language most use, there is no 'test' for it. It is an evaluation of behavior by both the teacher and the parent. And right now, it looks as if we are dealing with ADD.

It isn't too surprising. There is a lot of mental illness on my husbands side of the family. On my side, one of my brothers has some issues (which I'm pretty sure could be greatly helped by medication, but as far as he is concerned, he is just fine.) and I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a lot of depression on my dad's side of the family. And if you have a history of mental illness, your chances of your children having something goes up from about 5% to around 30% (if I am remembering correctly. been reading a lot lately.....)

We've told him, and I bought him some books to read and I have a large stack to get through as well. So far I've read Driven to Distraction, started The ADD and ADHD Answer Book, started Delivered from Distraction, and I have ADD-friendly ways to Organize Your Life and Superparenting for ADD to get through. I figure the more I learn about it, the better I will be able to parent him and help him deal with it.

Medication isn't going to be our first choice. Our doctor did some blood tests on Superhero because in her experience, many kids that present with ADD/ADHD like symptoms are actually very iron deficient, and that when they are no longer anemic, the symptoms decrease or can go away. So, while we don't eat a ton of red meat, dark green vegetables (we eat a lot of them anyway, but I am trying harder to have them more often) and vitamins with plenty of iron have been added. Also, quinoa has a good amount of iron in it, especially considering that it is a grain. The next step is possibly taking gluten out of his diet. I found a good resource here. I like it because they are very honest. They know that this won't make a huge difference for every person. But they point out that regardless of the treatment (medication or otherwise) that having a healthy diet will always improve the effectiveness. They suggest taking out both dairy and gluten at the same time. Gluten I could do. Dairy would be near impossible. My best friends son has celiac disease, and my sister is allergic to wheat, oats, and several other things. I've been watching them deal with gluten free items for years. Our family has introduced many gluten free items into our diet so that when we visit each other, my kids understand and are already familiar with gluten free food and are used to it. And really, a lot of the meals we all eat are naturally gluten free. It will affect how often we eat out, but there are many restaurants that have gluten free menu's or can alter their preparation of the food to make it gluten free. (In-n-out wraps their hamburgers in lettuce and prepares it on a different surface than the burgers that have regular buns. With celiac and allergies, cross contamination becomes a huge concern.)

Yesterday, while my husband and the kids were swimming at the post pool, I went to the commissary and checked out their new gluten free food section. I've decided that I've got to make his bread. Brown rice bread is like a brick. You pick it up and it weighs about five pounds. Trader Joe's makes brown rice tortillas. (which are not like bricks) Bobs Red Mill has many mixes and flours that are gluten free and very tasty. I picked up some glutino brand pretzels (which taste SO GOOD. I like them better than regular pretzels.) and their dream cookies. Yesterday we tried Trader Joe's Rice pasta macaroni and cheese for lunch. Tastes awesome. Before I go all the way into this, I wanted to make sure we had substitutes for as much as we could AND that he liked them enough to eat them. Another favorite are Larabars. Their coconut cream pie and apple pie bars are awesome. Superhero will eat them right up.

There is one aspect to this that is a little crazy. The cost. For example, a bag of regular Rold Gold pretzels at Walmart is around $2-$3, right? Well, a bag of comparable size gluten free pretzels is $9 at a regular store. I found them for $4.99 at the commissary. And at an awesome store by my parents, they are the same price. Larabars can be up to $1.99 each. You can get a box of them at costco and they are somewhere around $1.40-$1.50 per bar. At the commissary, they are $.88, and the last few times I've gone, there have been coupons for $.50 off if you buy two. I know that I am very lucky to have the commissary. And costco has a four pound bag of quinoa for only $10. Usually it is much more than that. And the different kinds of flour can be expensive too.

But I do feel very lucky. I have been watching my sister and my best friend maneuver this new world of gluten free food for the last few years, and I've learned a lot. I've seen how it affects a child AND an adult. How diligent you have to be, but also about how many options there are out there for someone that has to be or has chosen to be gluten free. And really, if I get to choose, I'd rather be gluten free than dairy free.

We may still try medication. I just think that changing your diet is worth a shot.

As for the other things going on in my life......maybe I'll talk about those later. Or maybe not.

Update on distractions

We did not end up with the bedroom set picture I posted. The craigslist gods posted a cal king bed, along with matching dresser and nightstand. And since all of that was about $2,000 less than what the other set cost, we went for it. We are picking it up next weekend.

We now own adult furniture. Kind of interesting. I guess that means we're adults???

Distracting myself

I think it's a way of distracting myself, but I've been thinking a lot about furniture. And what I want to do, well, what I need to do about storage and things like that. One of the first things on my list is to get ourselves a bed. We have a cal king, and finding a bed frame that we both like has been rough. Every time I get on craigslist, that is the first thing I look for. Most of what I find are these terrible looking 70's or 80's water bed type headboards, with mirrors, lights and shelves. No thank you. And if I do find something that is decent, it's forever away and isn't worth the time and gas to go the distance. It is frustrating. But it is tax time and we should be getting some back pay. So I branched out my search to brand new beds. This one is a winner for me.

I will not tell you how much it costs, as it is way more than we've ever spent on anything, including our couch. We both like the headboard/foot board. But what really sold me on this one was the dressers. I am not a fan of the shorter six drawer type of dresser. They take up way too much space, and every time I see one they come with a mirror that attaches, and if I'm going to have a mirror in my room, it sure isn't going to be above my dresser. I need to see from head to toe and that isn't going to cut it. Also, the 'gentleman's dresser' bottoms drawers are lined with cedar. Not to mention the dovetailed joints on all the drawers. I guess I feel like if we're going to spend the money, we might as well get some good quality stuff. It has to stand up to at least one more move, and most likely more. I don't want particle board crap that will fall apart when the movers try to take it apart, or after a move. I really like the nightstands too. I haven't completely convinced my husband yet. I've got time.

I got an email from World Market this week that they are having a huge furniture sale. And I love World Market. I have for years. So on my list are some new bookshelves for our room. This one is what I'm going for. And I would really like to have this secretary like desk. But I really don't have a place for it. And for the playroom, I want to get this from Ikea. I would have it long side down, and get use some of the attachments for it or use baskets. If we weren't going to move, I would buy this. I would get the shelves and the desk. But it is made out of particle board, and trying to have that moved without having it get chunks gouged or it falling apart is not very likely. So I'll wait until we're going to be somewhere for a while.

And yesterday I was at Marshall's and I found a rug for my living room. And if I weren't so lazy today, I would post a picture of it. The rug we've had was a carpet remnant that I got for $10. Which has been just fine. But since the edges aren't finished, the carpet pieces are always coming off, and I'm having to take scissors to it a lot. So, I found one I liked, and I got it. It feels so nice to walk on, I wish my whole house had rugs like that.

And hopefully today I will have a garage with many things to take to goodwill and a playroom that is organized/picked up and less full of toys than it was when I started. And perhaps there will be a trip to World Market too.

So

I don't have much time, as this morning is my morning to go so Superhero's classroom and help out.

Last night, during a conversation with an old friend, she said that I was one of the strongest people she knew.

I don't agree with that.

It's like when people would ask how I could hold it together while my husband was deployed. Um, well, you just do it. You don't have another choice. At least I've never seen another choice. I can't spend days laying in bed, or watching movies because I feel sad. I have to keep going.

That is how I feel now.

I am physically tired because of this new thing in my life. Maybe I'm emotionally tired too, because I've been having a hard time feeling anything. We all process things differently, and I am trying not to have expectations on myself on how I should be feeling. Which is hard for me, as I have gone through this before, and I keep comparing how I am feeling at this point to how I was feeling at this same point from the time before. And I need to stop. It really isn't going to help me.

The best thing for me right now is to just keep moving. Do the things I had on my schedule before everything came tumbling down.

This morning I was thinking about what this is supposed to be teaching me, what am I supposed to be learning?? I guess it's too soon to tell.

I feel better after typing all this out. Better than sitting for an hour in a classroom with all these things bouncing around in my head, and no place to get them out.

And now back to our regular morning......

Needy

Right now I feel like this person that if it's not one things with me, it's another. I've become needy.

I hate that.

I want things to stop happening to me that make others feel sorry for me or pity me. And really, these things are happening TO me. I have no control over them, which just makes it worse.

I want to be strong, capable. Maybe it's prideful. Bad/terrible/crazy things happen to every one. But some seem to handle it, deal with it in such a way that it doesn't cripple them. I want to be that person.

But right now it is crippling. And I'm tired.

Trying

Tonight, I'm frustrated.

I'm trying to let it go, because there isn't anything I can really do to change anything. But it is still so dang frustrating.

I'll explain. My mother in law (which henceforth will be MIL) just had surgery this last week. It was a pretty big deal, enough that she needs extra help to do things, and she isn't able to drive for a while. My one SIL took most of the week off to stay with her mom and take care of her. There are two more siblings in this family. Both of whom are adults. But my BIL is too drunk to help and the other SIL can barely take care of herself. SIL #1 can only take so much time off, and needed to get home to her family and her work. And here we are, far away, and can't really do a darn thing. Neither my husband or I can just hop on a plane and go as we have too many responsibilities here.

And I'm frustrated at a few other things. How did I get myself into a family with such dysfunction?? I know there are families out there that are infinitely worse. And my family has it's own special dysfunctions. I guess it's just frustrating to see children who grew up with the same family dynamics as my husband and my SIL (who are only half siblings. the other SIL is my husbands only full blooded sibling) can produce such utter and complete opposites. I guess it comes down to choice. But it still doesn't keep me from wanting to shake them. For my husband all of this is normal, and doesn't seem to phase him or bother him like it bothers me.

So, I just sit here, thinking of round about ways to help my MIL. And trying not to be frustrated with those that are there that SHOULD be helping their mother but aren't. Or can't. Or are making such a gigantic mess of their lives....anyway.......See, I'm trying to let it go.....

Resolutions

I know that the majority of the blogging world is probably posting all about their resolutions for the new year, or reviewing the last year, or something along those lines.

What I have to say is somewhat along those same lines, but not quite.

For the last few years, I have gotten many 'new starts'. We have moved frequently, and I've almost come to look forward to the moving because of that. I get to go somewhere that no one (usually) knows me. They don't know my parents or my grandparents. And I get a chance to change a part of me that needs changing, to reevaluate what my goals are for this next step in my life, and how much effort I'm willing to put out. Because, I'll tell you, when you're only going to be somewhere for a year or less, you need to use your energy and time wisely.

We have lived in our current location for a little over a year and a half. And I miss moving. It is sort of a selfish thing. I don't get that chance to start over. To leave all my mistakes behind me in the old place, and get to start again in a new one. While moving is a HUGE hassle (we've been married 9 1/2 years, and we've moved 9 times) I had started to look forward to it. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL looking forward to it, it just isn't going to be as soon as the other moves.

So, this year, rather than make specific goals, I'm going to choose a mantra to keep with me as I go throughout the year, and hopefully it sticks and I hold onto it for the rest of my life. It is this: Let it go. I allow myself to get worked up and angry/irritated/frustrated about so many things that don't really matter, nor can I change any of them!! Then I say things I shouldn't. And I hate it. I have had such a hard time letting go for most of my life that I say it's time that I let all of that go. If something starts to bother me, well, I just need to let it go. I need to be wise in what I allow bother me. If it regards any member of my little family, then, I might need to keep it and see what I can do. If it has to do with anyone or anything else, well, it will just be let go.

One big GIANT huge thing that I need to let go of is my husbands father. While my feelings regarding him have progressed (I no longer feel angry, most of the time, at him), I really need to just let it go. While I still feel as if the other shoe has yet to drop, I will probably deal with it better if I could let go of the past two years, and look forward to a year without him. And just let it go. There are some other, smaller, things that I need to let go of. And if I can do this big thing, I KNOW I can do these small ones.

Here's to letting it all go......

Sunday night thoughts

Our book for our book group this month is Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. I've been trying to read it, and the story isn't that bad. I just feel like I'm reading Dickens, or Hugo. All these paragraphs describing these minute details of a hill or a bird or something that I could just care less about. I want to know what is going to happen between Gabriel and Bathsheba!! Get to the point! I'm doing better with this book than I did with the last one. Last month was Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. I got to page 35 and had to stop. I was done. I'm not a big sci-fi fan in the first place, but I did give it a try. Next month is Freakonomics. Looking forward to that one.

Both my kids and my husband have been home for the last two weeks. While that can be great, it can also be terrible. We've had wet and then freezing weather, which makes it very hard for children to get their energy out by playing outside. And, with everyone home, my house has been a wreck. There have been lots of arguments and fights between my children too. And then this last week my husband got sick, and hasn't been able to do the things that he was wanting to do. I have to admit, I am looking forward to having the house to myself tomorrow to do what needs to be done without the distractions of other people in my house.

This last week, for the third time, I was asked for the name and number of my therapist. This might seem funny to be glad about something like that, but I am. I am glad that I am open enough to share with others that I see one. All of us are struggling with so many things, I wish there were less shame and more empowerment when it came to seeing a therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. Trying to make positive changes in your life is brave, and should be applauded, not looked down on. I hope that the friends I've referred get what they need.

I guess that is only three things. And now that I've got that out of my system, I am off to bed. Or at least I'll go to bed soon.....

YES!!

So, thanks to a quick google search, and KTLA 5, I was able to watch some of the parade LIVE this morning!!! If I had gotten up earlier, I would have been able to watch the entire thing live. But, as my eyes did not open until after 9am (partly because my husband had closed the door so all house/child noise was dulled, and because we have blinds that barely let any light in, not to mention staying up until almost 0100 because we were out at a new years party) I did not watch all of it live. But, thank goodness, the parade replays over and over and over again. So, I got to see my sky, my mountains, the marching bands, and listen to Stephanie and Bob narrate the entire thing. It did bother me that when the marching bands were playing (and Stephanie and Bob stopped talking for a minute) they muted the bands a bit and would have their 'the rose parade is brought to you commercial free by el pollo loco' or some other company. I wanted to listen to the bands!! But the El Pollo Loco killed me. What I would do for a decent fast food Mexican restaurant around here. Now, it is 1230, still in my pj's, I ate cookies and red vines for breakfast and lunch, and I need to get up and be productive. My husband started the dishwasher and cleaned off the counters while I watched the parade. I suppose I should take a shower now.....

Happy New Year!!!