Sunday, September 26, 2010

Compliments of a Stranger

Last weekend, we were in the middle of nowhere Eastern Washington. After we had checked into our motel, we set out to see if there was anywhere open for dinner. There were no McDonalds, Burger Kings, or KFC's around. Just mom and pop sort of places. We saw one and went in.

It was a seat yourself sort of a place. We ended up across from an older couple, a grandma and grandpa. The kids were hungry, and a little antsy after sitting in the car for so long. We ordered, and of course Blondie has to stick her head over the side, looking for the server, and say in a loud voice 'WHEN is she gonna bring our FOOD?' multiple times.

They had a kids menu, which came with crayons. Both of my kids were done with it pretty fast. And as kids do, while they are eating, they are slightly all over the place. And as I do, I'm asking them to behave, sit on their bums, use their fork, etc. while I'm trying to eat my food......

As the older couple across the way were leaving, she comes over, touches the table, and says to me 'You have such well behaved children'.

I say thank you. And wonder. If this is well behaved, they must be used to something completely out of control. Or, maybe I do have well behaved children. Something to think about.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Where the heck is it?


So, my husband has been home for a few months now. He was able to take 45 days of leave.

After the initial excitement of him being home wore off, I tried to get myself into a groove. Slightly successful. Then, a few weeks ago the kids started school. Had to try and adjust and get into a different groove. On Monday, my husband goes back to work. And we try again.

Do you ever feel like there are so many changes happening that you don't have time to adjust to any of them?

I looking for a rhythm to my day. Cleaning up the kitchen, going to the gym, showering, organizing/taking care of my home/cleaning, errands, etc.......
I just can't find it.

Maybe I was trying too hard.

I know I'll find it. It will just take extra long this year. I have this new mantra: I got through a year deployment, so I can do anything. It may not be true, but it sure helps me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'm a clothes whore

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a girl. Not only was this little girl the oldest of six kids, but she was very tall, pretty much from the get go. When this girl hit 12 years old, her growth skyrocketed. In three years she grew over eight inches. She has stretch marks on her lower back. (my husband used to ask if I was sure that they were stretch marks, not scars from my mother beating me. haha, funny. and they really are stretch marks.) As a result of this crazy growing, on top of having five younger siblings (meaning a shortage of money for new clothes), this girl rarely had pants that were long enough. Or shoes that were big enough. Luckily, during junior high was the roll your pants and stuff them into crazy colored socks phase. But that phase did not last to high school. The girl gave up trying to find women's jeans long enough and looked to mens. Which really weren't flattering, but at least they were long enough. Five years ago, the girls shopping options were minimized by living over seas. She discovered shopping online, and at the same time discovered jeans that had a 36" inseam! Oh the joy and happiness!!! (enough with the third person, going to first person....)

For the first time in my life, I had jeans that were long enough. And I haven't looked back. As time has progressed, I've learned more about how to dress myself. While I buy my share of cheap stuff, I have learned about buying quality if you want it to last for a while.

And, I admit, I love shopping. My jean purchases are still mostly online (except for the jeans I picked up at Nordstrom Rack. $176 jeans marked down and down until they were $32. AND they were long enough and fit my waist. it was like the jean genie had placed them there for me, just waiting for me to find them.) and many of my other clothing and shoe purchases are online. Because many times, when you're six feet tall, your shoe size is usually pretty big.


I have now become this person that really cares what she wears. I like having nice shirts for every day wear. I like wearing skirts. I like to do my hair almost every day. Why?? For so many years I felt awkward. I know I always looked halfway put together. Since I have become more aware and have made more of an effort to dress a certain way, people sit up and take notice of me. They take me seriously. I find that I feel really good when I dress well. When I feel good, I have more confidence, I have more motivation. I have fallen in love with wearing heels. I love two inches or higher.

There is a down side. I spend too much on clothes. Every time I get near an H&M, or Ross, or Marshalls, or get an email from J. Crew with an extra 20% off their final will power goes away. I do my best. At least if I'm shopping at J. Crew I'm only shopping the sales AND using the extra 20% (or if I'm really lucky, 30%) off.

Right now, there is this one dress that I am really coveting. It is perfect for fall. It's a fantastic color on me, and it's way cute. The price is just a little high. I have yet to have a good reason to get it. I'm just waiting patiently. Maybe it can be my Halloween costume..........

Thursday, September 23, 2010


This last weekend, my husband had a triathlon in the middle of nowhere, Eastern Washington.

He had looked for and made the hotel reservation. When I heard how much it was, I thought, ok, it will be decent enough. Boy, I had a surprise waiting for me.

For the first time in my life, I stayed in a motel with a neon sign shining out front. This is the view from our room. We paid less for a Motel 6 room in Boise, and the room was ten times better. I guess this is what happens when you go to the middle of nowhere.

This is where we had breakfast. It was a short walk up the road.

Our motel in the daytime as we were walking back to it. I hadn't brought my wallet to breakfast. No continental breakfast here.
These are a few of the buildings we saw on our walk. A lot of the town looked like this. It was a pretty sad little town. But I did love the colors on the buildings.
We live in a pretty small town. And this town was even smaller than ours. We look like a huge metropolis with our Walmart just on the edge of town, and our decent sized Safeway.

Lessons: 1) Don't let my husband make the reservation without my input.
2) Be thankful that my own small town is bigger than others.
3) Remember that motels with neon signs do not serve continental breakfasts, so bring my wallet.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Wake up call

We were gone yesterday and today. We only took my husbands computer, and most of the time gone was spent driving, sleeping, or waiting around for him to transition, and then for him to cross the finish line.

I got home tonight, and checked my email. An old friend (a very good old friend) emailed me and said that my blog was not so fun to read. (she also said other things, this was just a part of it.)


And I realized, it really was not a fun blog to read. It's a sad little blog. And I'm really not such a sad person. I have all kinds of thoughts, and all kinds of things happen in my life, I just don't put much of them here. You want to know why? Because I'm scared. Scared that my crazy father in law will find me again, and start the whole crappy thing over again. So I've been cautious, hesitant. I feel like I'm still waiting for the next thing to happen, that I can't see, just around the next bend in the road.

But that is over with. Starting right now, things are going to change on this blog. I don't want a sad blog anymore.

Today, on our trip home from my husbands race today, I started and finished a book. Technically, I finished it once we were home, but I had less than 100 pages left, so that is close enough. I read The Help. I thought this book was great. I loved reading about the subject matter (black women that were maids to white women is Jacksonville, Mississippi during the 1960's). I really enjoy historical fiction. I feel like I learn so much more than I do when I read a history text book that spends a chapter on, say, the Civil Rights movement. And then I start thinking about what I would do if I had lived at that time, in those circumstances. What would I have done? My favorite part is the end, where the author tells why she wrote this story, and how personal it is for her.

Let me know if you read it. Or if you already have read it. Have to keep it fresh in my mind until book club next month. At this rate, I'll be done with all 12 books way before Christmas.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A whiny rant

This is going to be a slightly whiny post. I've been feeling pretty whiny, and I've tried to keep it under control. But, it has got to come out. It also might be whiny with a few rants thrown in. And I'm sure I will feel better once I've gotten this out. Ok, here goes.

I am at the time of life when it feels like EVERYONE around me is having babies. Baby after baby after baby. All over facebook are pictures of friends who just had their babies. Or announcements of being pregnant. I even know two people who are adding twins to their family. And some days I do Ok, and it doesn't bother me. But recently, I just cannot escape the babies.

This is a big deal for me. My youngest is five. We chose to not get pregnant while he was doing his schooling, mostly because he would have been unable to stay home and help me, and I have c-sections. Which means I need lots of help for a good week or so after I get home. We got pregnant with about six months left of his school, and four months in, there was no heartbeat. And then after that, for the next 18 months, we were only together for 3 months. Kind of makes it difficult to get pregnant.

It was difficult while he was gone to see others getting pregnant right and left. Not only was I not pregnant, but I didn't even have the chance to try. It was overwhelming at times. I don't go to baby showers anymore. I do not hold babies. It is just way too difficult for me, at least right now.

And then today, someone who is pregnant with her third (and who happened to be pregnant with her second when I lost mine) is whining about how all her friends who were due about the same time as she is have already had their babies, and she is still pregnant. And how unfair it is. It's not that I expect her to tailor her status updates to fit my needs or to be sensitive to me. It probably wouldn't have bothered me at all, if the whole 'it's not fair' comment wasn't there. I want to say something like "you know whats not fair? losing your baby. that isn't fair. or you know what else isn't fair? having 10 people pregnant all around you, constantly talking about being pregnant, and then you not being pregnant, because you lost your baby. THAT isn't fair." Don't worry, I didn't do it. But that is why I'm writing it here.

And now, my husband has been home for almost two months. And all I can think about is getting pregnant. I try to put it out of my mind, and lots of times I can do it. But then sometimes I can't. It also doesn't help when I can feel myself ovulating.

I don't know if I can still get pregnant. My body has been doing some weird things since I lost him.

A few months ago, I had an experience where I felt a lot of peace about this subject, peace that came from outside of my anxious, paranoid self. I know that I don't have the control. I know that if it is going to happen, it will. Trying to be patient, trying to hold on to that memory, that feeling of peace. But days like this, that feeling is SO FAR away. If it weren't pouring rain outside (thank you PNW) I would go for a run to clear my mind. But if I'm going to run now, I have to drive to the gym. At least I have a gym to go to right??

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Être seule

I think I need a break from social activities.

I'm getting tired of them. I have about ten good reasons to become a hermit. And I just might do it for the next few weeks.

Every time I'm with friends/acquaintances recently, I just feel like I'm in this odd space. I can't really put my finger on what it is that I feel. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I'm not blaming any of these people for how I'm feeling. I think I just need to clear my mind and take a break. Luckily I will be out of town this weekend for our book group, and the next book group won't be until next month. And even though soccer is starting, and I will have to be around lots of people I know, I'm pretty good at keeping to myself for that hour.

It will be nice to be alone. Sometimes a girl just needs to be alone.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Darn it

Not too long ago, I participated in this. It was so much fun! There was a group of girls from church that were on one team. We pretty much spent the entire day together.

I have learned over the last few years, to keep my mouth shut. I have opened it so many times when I shouldn't have, that sometimes I think I'm over compensating.

We went to dinner after our day of hunting. And someone brought up something that I did not agree with. I like all of the girls I was with. One or two of them slightly intimidate me, (which I am sure is totally on my end) and many times rather than try to disagree, however amicably, I just don't because I'm afraid of looking stupid. Or sounding stupid. And I really hate those feelings. So, I heard what was said. And rather than being very respectful and just stating that I don't agree with that, I just sat there. With my mouth full of crab ravioli. (which was darn good.) I was scared.

I am kicking myself for not saying anything.

It would have been so easy. All I had to do was just state my opinion, the reasons why, and leave it at that. I wasn't going to try and change their minds, or make them agree with me. Just state a different point of view, maybe give them something else to think about. And I just sat there chewing.

You want to know what it was?? One of these ladies knew someone who had told their children that they would only pay for their wedding reception if they got married in the temple. I have multiple problems with that. I see that more as withholding love. I also see it causing problems in the future between children. Not to mention that each child's situation is going to be very different. Then there are the issues with the future in laws....I could just keep going with this. While I do understand the motivation behind it (wanting that child to be married in the temple, a good thing), the fallout from it would not be worth it.

See, I did it there! Why can't I do it in real life? One of my new goals is to speak up!! And to do so respectfully. I will fail a few times, and I will have to keep trying. But man, if I don't try, I'll never learn how. And maybe go back to school so that I feel on the same playing field......