This is going to be a slightly whiny post. I've been feeling pretty whiny, and I've tried to keep it under control. But, it has got to come out. It also might be whiny with a few rants thrown in. And I'm sure I will feel better once I've gotten this out. Ok, here goes.
I am at the time of life when it feels like EVERYONE around me is having babies. Baby after baby after baby. All over facebook are pictures of friends who just had their babies. Or announcements of being pregnant. I even know two people who are adding twins to their family. And some days I do Ok, and it doesn't bother me. But recently, I just cannot escape the babies.
This is a big deal for me. My youngest is five. We chose to not get pregnant while he was doing his schooling, mostly because he would have been unable to stay home and help me, and I have c-sections. Which means I need lots of help for a good week or so after I get home. We got pregnant with about six months left of his school, and four months in, there was no heartbeat. And then after that, for the next 18 months, we were only together for 3 months. Kind of makes it difficult to get pregnant.
It was difficult while he was gone to see others getting pregnant right and left. Not only was I not pregnant, but I didn't even have the chance to try. It was overwhelming at times. I don't go to baby showers anymore. I do not hold babies. It is just way too difficult for me, at least right now.
And then today, someone who is pregnant with her third (and who happened to be pregnant with her second when I lost mine) is whining about how all her friends who were due about the same time as she is have already had their babies, and she is still pregnant. And how unfair it is. It's not that I expect her to tailor her status updates to fit my needs or to be sensitive to me. It probably wouldn't have bothered me at all, if the whole 'it's not fair' comment wasn't there. I want to say something like "you know whats not fair? losing your baby. that isn't fair. or you know what else isn't fair? having 10 people pregnant all around you, constantly talking about being pregnant, and then you not being pregnant, because you lost your baby. THAT isn't fair." Don't worry, I didn't do it. But that is why I'm writing it here.
And now, my husband has been home for almost two months. And all I can think about is getting pregnant. I try to put it out of my mind, and lots of times I can do it. But then sometimes I can't. It also doesn't help when I can feel myself ovulating.
I don't know if I can still get pregnant. My body has been doing some weird things since I lost him.
A few months ago, I had an experience where I felt a lot of peace about this subject, peace that came from outside of my anxious, paranoid self. I know that I don't have the control. I know that if it is going to happen, it will. Trying to be patient, trying to hold on to that memory, that feeling of peace. But days like this, that feeling is SO FAR away. If it weren't pouring rain outside (thank you PNW) I would go for a run to clear my mind. But if I'm going to run now, I have to drive to the gym. At least I have a gym to go to right??
You have a right to your feelings. What you are going through is truly difficult. I hope you find the solace you seek. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletePractically every woman I know of childbearing age has had a miscarriage. So that person on FB might know exactly how unfair it is to lose a child. A friend of mine is pregnant with twins following fertility treatments and said she feels guilty if she complains about being tired or sick or headachy when so many of her circle of infertile friends are still not pregnant. But infertile or not, sometimes pregnancy sucks and it's impossible to go around feeling thankful every single minute of the day.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do know how you feel. When I see or hear about people FREAKING OUT over something incredibly trivial, like Starbucks being out of creamer and they say it RUINED their day, I'm like, "Seriously? Seriously? Get over it, because I can tell you about some real problems instead."
I kind of understand how you feel. The two years of not getting pregnant, miscarrying, not being able to do the fertility treatments because my intestines were glued to a bazillion different parts of my body, and then losing my reproductive organs. I knew for a long time that I may never get pregnant, so the second surgery was a lot easier to deal with than I thought it would be. But there are still times when I see a baby that my heart aches. Times where I cry because a talk, commercial, or a tv show mentions how amazing it feels to become a mother. I have a friend that whines because though she's not actively trying to get pregnant, she isn't a mother yet. I told her I understood, and she said "I thought you were over that." Seriously?!?
ReplyDeleteI know I will never get "over this" completely, and you may not either. But it helps my heart to know that there is somebody out there who understands why I have a hard time with baby showers, blessings, and holding a baby that's not mine. I guess that sounds kind of weird, like I'm glad you're experiencing the same thing. But I really do hope that things work out for you the way you want then to.
Wow, I guess that's my whiny rant...it feels amazing to vent.