Breaking

I have been sitting at my computer for almost an hour now, wasting time on facebook, and reading other blogs.  Baby J is sleeping, and I am still in my pjs.  I have a million things swirling around in my head.

Here is the big one:  Postpartum Depression. 

It has hit hard.  Harder perhaps than the past.  I had it after I had Blondie. 

I stopped taking the mini pill (nursing birth control pills) because I'm thinking it could be part of why I feel like this. 

I feel angry a lot of the time.  I feel overwhelmed most of the time.  But those two sentences don't even come close to how I really feel.  I mean, it would give me great pleasure to hurl all my non polish pottery breakables into the wall and listen with satisfaction at the sound of them shattering.  Does that sound crazy?

I tore quite badly.  When I went to my follow up visit, as the doctor is looking between my legs, he starts telling me how worried he was about how I would heal, since my tears were very irregular, but that he is so pleased that things look so good.  Um, really?  You couldn't have waited until you were looking at ME in the face?  And then asked if I had intercourse yet.  Um, NO!  Then he starts going into how husbands need it to feel loved and it's so important, and how he wants to know if there are any issues down there that need to be fixed so it's really important.....AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you freaking kidding me??  So, on top of laundry, dishes, general housecleaning, getting kids to school and back, homework, meals, being up at least once a night and usually twice, taking a shower, trying to exercise, taking care of an infant, I'm supposed to find energy for that?  I bet if my doctor had been 30 years younger I would not have had to hear the whole 'husbands feel love from sex' line.  Probably still would have been asked, but without all the baggage.  Thanks dude.  And then I tell him I'm pretty sure I have postpartum depression.  He has called twice to make sure I go to behavioral health.  Um, the week he called my kids were out of school for two days, then the following week my parents were going to be in town.  I don't have time!  I can't even get the laundry done in a timely manner, and I am supposed to go to behavioral health??  Yes, I probably should.  Just not the right week to do it. 

To sum it all up, my mental state is a wreck.  My house is a wreck.  I can't get rid of the 30 extra pounds that this pregnancy has left me.  And to make things even better, the worst holiday of the year is this Sunday.  I think I won't be making it to sacrament meeting.

I've been busy

With this person right up there.

I attempted, and was successful in a VBAC.

But I guess I should start from the beginning. I woke up with contractions at 0130. Tried to sleep through them or hope that they weren't really contraction for the next two hours. Gave that up at 0330 (since I was keeping my husband from getting good sleep, and if this was for real, he would be useless without good sleep) and came downstairs. When the sun came up, I took a shower, we took the kids to my neighbor, and headed to the hospital. They wouldn't admit me right away, so we went downstairs, I walked for an hour, went to the DFAC (dining facility) then headed back up. Yes, I got an epidural (so thankful for modern medicine and things that take pain away) but luckily for me, it didn't slow my labor down. In fact, 30 minutes after I got it (I think it was 30 minutes) my water broke all by itself. We thought we would have a baby by 1900, but that was not to be. I started pushing, and shortly thereafter we discovered that this baby was stuck behind my pubic bone. He was stuck there for about 3 hours. My epidural was so strong at the beginning that I couldn't feel a darn thing. Not even pressure. And of course the only person that could turn it down couldn't come and do it for what seemed like forever. (lame. teach the nurses how to do it!!!!) After about 3 hours of pushing, and the nurse walked away for a second, I said quietly to my husband 'we need to pray!' He told me he had been praying. (As had I) There was much discussion amongst the midwife, doctor, nurse and us. They decided that if I hadn't made any more progress, they would use the vacuum. I pushed a few more times. And then magically (because I really don't know how he did it or how I managed to push him past it in my exhausted state) he moved past my pubic bone and BOOM he was out. Holy crap. THAT was what a vaginal birth felt like???? Unfortunately, this boy weighed over a pound more than my other babies (but not that it really mattered as nothing that large had ever passed through there before) and I had some extensive repairs. They had to adjust the bed so my bum was in the air and my head was down for them to see well enough to stitch things up. And right as the doctor put his face there to start working, I farted. Right in his face. (that was the beginning of the end of any control I had over that bodily function. sigh.) Baby's head was really sad looking as it had had a lot of pressure on it, being stuck, for over 3 hours. He also didn't cry at first. But he was very alert, looking around with his eyes wide open while they cleaned him up. They had put him on my belly right after he was delivered, but I was so tired, I couldn't even hold him. I also recall my husband kissing my forehead and saying 'you did it!!!' Yup, I did it.

He was born at 2238. 8 lbs. 7 oz. 20 inches. February 5.

I'm not sure if I was smart or crazy to do a VBAC. If (and that is a giant if) I have any more babies, I suppose I can deliver vaginally again. I find it fascinating that 1) women deliver like this all the time. 2) women choose to do it without pain meds. I fully support women choosing both of those things. It just is still crazy sounding to me.

Now that he is a month old, I am still taking motrin twice a day for the pain. I tried to only take one, and boy that was not good. My favorite thing is the squeeze bottle I brought home from the hospital. My milk coming in was not near as bad (although still incredibly painful) as the first two times. I still have a belly which means I can't fit any of my clothes, and my nursing boobs won't fit into any of my shirts. So I am restricted to elastic waist pants and maternity shirts until things get back to normal. I tell myself 9 months up, 9 months down.....but that still doesn't make me feel any better about not fitting my clothes. I could go buy some jeans that fit, except jeans that are long enough for me are dang expensive. And buying expensive jeans for only a few months time almost doesn't seem worth it. I may give in and buy one pair....I don't know.

Right now he is sleeping on my chest. I feel like I can't seem to get anything done around here. Laundry is piled high, the dishes need to be done. My bed doesn't get made. Dinners are sad. I have had help for the last month between my husband (who got the week off of work to stay home that first week), my best friend, my sister in law, and then my mother. Now they are all gone. And while I am enjoying having the house to myself again, I am finding it tough to accomplish anything. I am seriously considering getting a housekeeper once a month for the next two months or so. Changing your expectations of yourself is rough. I know things will get better, so I just have to be patient with myself, do the best that I can, and accept how things are. And now I need to eat breakfast so that I can take a motrin so I can walk without dying today.

Friends that KNOW me

I go through these cycles. When we've been somewhere for a while, I start feeling like these people know me too well, we need to move! Then we move, and then no one knows me (which is kind of nice for a little bit, especially growing up and always being connected with a family member, and not just being YOU) and after a while I start wishing someone were around that KNOWS me.

Maybe more so this move. I am pregnant, and my house is still not fully unpacked. People have offered to help, but I feel uncomfortable saying yes, or allowing them to help because they don't know me. But then how are they going to get to know me if they don't spend time with me? It's a sad little circle I get into sometimes.

There are actually a few families in the area that we've known from the different places we've been. So I do know them, even though it's been a while. But still, I am a different person than I was five years ago, and so are they. Or even three years ago. But still all good....I don't know.

People at church, the kids school, and the neighbors have been awesome. Like really awesome. Especially for hardly knowing me. And I appreciate it. I just feel hesitant. Maybe by the time I have this baby (which now that I'm at the 38 week point could technically be anytime) I will have gotten over that. I am grateful that my backup that is arriving in less than two weeks KNOWS me. And my next backup knows me pretty well as well. (that is not a well constructed sentence, but seeing that it is almost midnight, i'm not even going to try and fix it.)

So, now I'm going to go to bed and try not to miss my friends.

Pet Peeves

So, the other day, on the phone with my mother, she asked me if I had any colors chosen.

Colors? For what?? I had no idea what she was asking. She then continued on and said for the quilt. And what did I want on it? She thought rocking horses would be cute.

Holy cow. I don't have colors chosen. I haven't thought one tiny bit about what 'theme' this baby would have, or what kind of bedding to get. Mostly because my babies sleep in a bassinet next to me until about 3 months. I have plenty of time to worry about that crib stuff. But luckily, my new neighbor gave me her boy bedding for a crib, complete with crib skirt and bumper pads. Score! And while I know this is a big deal for some new mothers, it is probably the least important thing on my list. I've just moved over 1,000 miles, and have been unpacking and have two other kids that need my attention. Colors??? sigh....

And please don't be offended at my next pet peeve. But I really really hate when people shorten the word pregnant for 'preggie/preggy' or 'prego'. I am pregnant. Prego in the USA is a brand of pasta sauce, or if you actually speak Italian, I believe it means 'hurry up'. I equally hate 'hubby' or 'hubster'. I have a husband. I have no idea why we have to shorten these words into something like that. When I was thinking about this earlier, there were a few more words that I had on that list, but I can't remember what they were. I seem to see these all over facebook, in emails, and on blogs. Heaven forbid we use the real term.

Ok, I feel a little bit better.

In other news, I am a few weeks from my due date. I'm going for the VBAC. And we'll see how everything goes.

And now I need to get the laundry moving.

It's ticking away

I have about a month left before I have this baby. We've been in our new house for a little over a month, and things are kind of put together. It is slow going as we are getting used to the altitude, and I am now at the point where it's trying to unpack as well as the regular house cleaning stuff like bathrooms and laundry.

We have had to buy a few big things since being here. We bought this from Ikea as the kitchen would not fit any of my polish pottery. And we also got these from Ikea as well. We got the 8 box ones, and then the 4 box ones. I need to get back there so I can get a few more baskets. The bookshelves we had weren't going to work well, and really, I got most of them on clearance at Walmart and Lowes. And we'll be able to use them in the kids rooms and in the basement.

After we got this stuff, I realized that we hadn't bought one thing for this baby, other than a few clothes I had picked up on clearance from the PX. No car seat. No stroller. We kept the crib we were given before Superhero was born, as well as the bassinet. In fact, when Superhero was born we were given one of those Graco travel system things. As we weren't rolling in the dough back then, I was grateful, and we used that until it died. The problem with most strollers is that, for me, they don't come up high enough. I'm usually having to bend my back at an angle that can really get uncomfortable. As well as most of those lower end strollers have plastic wheels. I hate plastic wheels. They don't go over anything. Pushing Superhero around Germany on cobblestones just about killed me. So I decided the next time we bought a stroller, it would not have plastic wheels, and the handlebar had to adjust up and down. The problem is, Graco, Evenflo, Safety First, and all those brands you see at Target and Walmart do not make anything like that. So I've done my homework. The only ones that have those features are freaking expensive. I'm sure you've heard of the Bugaboo strollers or Quinny strollers. Brand new, there is NO WAY I can afford to spend that much on a stroller. Especially since this may be our last kid, and that would be ridiculous to spend that much on something for only one kid. So, I have been trolling Craigslist to see if I can find a used one for much less. Well, since we've moved, no luck on the Bugaboo cameleon stroller, but I think I've hit the jackpot for the Quinny. At least I hope so. (the guy got back to me so we'll see if he has the adapter for the car seat and if he does, it's a win!)

(about an hour later)

I am now trying to find the car seat that can go to the dang stroller. It comes with an adapter for it, but trying to find one in my area on Craigslist has not been working. Of course when I check Los Angeles (where I once lived and still have family and friends) I found not only the car seat but the car seat in the right color. I know babies don't know what color their seat is, and it's mostly just for the adults. But dang it, I cannot abide a pink car seat for a boy. I can't. I don't want a pink car seat ever, even if I was having a girl. I mean, I would get it if that were my only option, but if I have a choice, no way. I realize I sound snobby about this whole stroller and car seat thing. I guess I am an older mom with experience, and I know what I want.

I'm down to a month left to get a dang car seat. Maybe if I'm patient one will show up, in the right color, and the right price range. Otherwise that baby will have to stay at the hospital for a lot longer. (I joke. But I believe it is a law that you have an infant seat for the infant otherwise they cannot let you leave the hospital. I read that somewhere......)

Perhaps the Craigslist gods will provide in a few days. I hope.

Choice

Last night a friend asked if I had made any new years resolutions. And the answer is no. Mostly because I rarely make them. And another reason is that I am more worried about just getting everything done in January before this baby comes.

We have moved, and I was able to get to the doctor. She informed me that even though I've had two previous (emergency) c-sections, that I could still elect to choose a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)(that is what the spell check suggested, so hopefully it is right). I was very surprised. I guess about six months ago things changed, and somehow I was unaware. Which kind of threw me into a bit of a tailspin. I had just been anticipating a c-section, and had no thought of actual labor. I am a good candidate. The reasons for my c-sections weren't because of my body, it was because the first was breech, and the second she had the cord wrapped around her, and after four hours of pushing, she refused to come out. I also am not over weight, so if the docs had to go in and take care of a problem quickly, they wouldn't have to cut through layers of fat to get to the baby, or my uterus. After I had my second baby, they said that there was very little scar tissue from the first one, so that plays into my favor as well.

So, I still don't know what to do. I've read about the risks, and I know what the pro's of it are as well. C-section recovery totally sucks, especially after going through labor before having to have one. It would be nice to not have a two week recovery.

After I had Superhero, the nurse told me that I would always have to have c-sections after this. And for some reason that was devastating to me. I've been through labor, and man it sucks. Contractions are terrible, and trying to hold still for an epidural is no easy thing. Pushing is exhausting. I think it all goes back to what my expectations were. And same for now. I was expecting to have a c-section.....and now I have a choice!

I'm torn. I just don't know. 60-80% of women that try a VBAC are successful. Even after two previous c-sections. But on the other hand I've never had a scheduled c-section, without labor. I've always been to the point of shaking uncontrollably, of being exhausted before that happens. Maybe the recovery would be better.....I don't know. My husband has suggested that a VBAC would be a good choice, but really, this is all up to me. I feel like I need a crystal ball or something so that I can know what the right choice is.

I started writing this earlier, and now tonight, I feel that I am leaning towards a VBAC. But I still don't know for sure.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have this decision to make!!

Facebook strikes again!

Oh man. Sometimes Facebook just isn't worth it!!!

Here is the set up: Friend one posts something about moving as apparently, her landlords aren't doing anything about 1) the noisy neighbor that just moved in (and also rent from the same landlord) and 2) the oven is broken, and they haven't fixed it. Then she proceeds to call them names (lazy butts). Friend two is her landlord.

So, I commented and said a few things regarding the oven and neighbors, and then said that considering that 9 of her friends were also friends with her landlord, that it was an inappropriate place for her to be talking about this, as well as calling them names. Which, it is. I know, by a really crappy experience, that when you talk about people online, it comes back and bites you in the behind. Friend one responded with something about if they worried so much about appearances, then they should do something rather than not do anything. Ok, so really, is there anything a landlord that lives five miles away can do about noisy neighbors??? No. It is frustrating for the people next door? Absolutely. Is it frustrating to not have a working oven? Absolutely. Is whining about it on Facebook the right thing to do when you share friends with your landlord??? 100% no. I have no idea what was done about the oven. Should it have been fixed sooner? Probably. Has friend one been proactive about communicating with her landlord? We have no idea.

So, lesson learned from all of this is there is a line. While I'm sure I've crossed it before, I really try really hard not to cross it. I even have my own set of Facebook rules. I don't comment on political stuff. If I disagree with something, I try to just scroll past. If they use a lot of profanity, on a regular basis, I will probably unfriend them. (In fact, friend one unfriended me today, so there you go.) I'm sure many of you have some rules for yourself as well.

Ugh. So lame. Should I have said something?? I don't know. But I would have stood up for any of my friends if I had seen something similar written. In fact, today, a sibling of mine posted something about basketball game. He and a few other of his guy friends started using female slurs (vagina, pussy) referencing the referee and how badly he was doing, as well as how they players were playing. Saying that calling them a pussy or a vagina is a put down. I couldn't stand it. I said something. Some things are just so bad that I can't scroll past it.

I think it is time I reevaluate my personal rules for Facebook, and make sure they are enough to keep it something worthwhile.