Update on distractions

We did not end up with the bedroom set picture I posted. The craigslist gods posted a cal king bed, along with matching dresser and nightstand. And since all of that was about $2,000 less than what the other set cost, we went for it. We are picking it up next weekend.

We now own adult furniture. Kind of interesting. I guess that means we're adults???

Distracting myself

I think it's a way of distracting myself, but I've been thinking a lot about furniture. And what I want to do, well, what I need to do about storage and things like that. One of the first things on my list is to get ourselves a bed. We have a cal king, and finding a bed frame that we both like has been rough. Every time I get on craigslist, that is the first thing I look for. Most of what I find are these terrible looking 70's or 80's water bed type headboards, with mirrors, lights and shelves. No thank you. And if I do find something that is decent, it's forever away and isn't worth the time and gas to go the distance. It is frustrating. But it is tax time and we should be getting some back pay. So I branched out my search to brand new beds. This one is a winner for me.

I will not tell you how much it costs, as it is way more than we've ever spent on anything, including our couch. We both like the headboard/foot board. But what really sold me on this one was the dressers. I am not a fan of the shorter six drawer type of dresser. They take up way too much space, and every time I see one they come with a mirror that attaches, and if I'm going to have a mirror in my room, it sure isn't going to be above my dresser. I need to see from head to toe and that isn't going to cut it. Also, the 'gentleman's dresser' bottoms drawers are lined with cedar. Not to mention the dovetailed joints on all the drawers. I guess I feel like if we're going to spend the money, we might as well get some good quality stuff. It has to stand up to at least one more move, and most likely more. I don't want particle board crap that will fall apart when the movers try to take it apart, or after a move. I really like the nightstands too. I haven't completely convinced my husband yet. I've got time.

I got an email from World Market this week that they are having a huge furniture sale. And I love World Market. I have for years. So on my list are some new bookshelves for our room. This one is what I'm going for. And I would really like to have this secretary like desk. But I really don't have a place for it. And for the playroom, I want to get this from Ikea. I would have it long side down, and get use some of the attachments for it or use baskets. If we weren't going to move, I would buy this. I would get the shelves and the desk. But it is made out of particle board, and trying to have that moved without having it get chunks gouged or it falling apart is not very likely. So I'll wait until we're going to be somewhere for a while.

And yesterday I was at Marshall's and I found a rug for my living room. And if I weren't so lazy today, I would post a picture of it. The rug we've had was a carpet remnant that I got for $10. Which has been just fine. But since the edges aren't finished, the carpet pieces are always coming off, and I'm having to take scissors to it a lot. So, I found one I liked, and I got it. It feels so nice to walk on, I wish my whole house had rugs like that.

And hopefully today I will have a garage with many things to take to goodwill and a playroom that is organized/picked up and less full of toys than it was when I started. And perhaps there will be a trip to World Market too.

So

I don't have much time, as this morning is my morning to go so Superhero's classroom and help out.

Last night, during a conversation with an old friend, she said that I was one of the strongest people she knew.

I don't agree with that.

It's like when people would ask how I could hold it together while my husband was deployed. Um, well, you just do it. You don't have another choice. At least I've never seen another choice. I can't spend days laying in bed, or watching movies because I feel sad. I have to keep going.

That is how I feel now.

I am physically tired because of this new thing in my life. Maybe I'm emotionally tired too, because I've been having a hard time feeling anything. We all process things differently, and I am trying not to have expectations on myself on how I should be feeling. Which is hard for me, as I have gone through this before, and I keep comparing how I am feeling at this point to how I was feeling at this same point from the time before. And I need to stop. It really isn't going to help me.

The best thing for me right now is to just keep moving. Do the things I had on my schedule before everything came tumbling down.

This morning I was thinking about what this is supposed to be teaching me, what am I supposed to be learning?? I guess it's too soon to tell.

I feel better after typing all this out. Better than sitting for an hour in a classroom with all these things bouncing around in my head, and no place to get them out.

And now back to our regular morning......

Needy

Right now I feel like this person that if it's not one things with me, it's another. I've become needy.

I hate that.

I want things to stop happening to me that make others feel sorry for me or pity me. And really, these things are happening TO me. I have no control over them, which just makes it worse.

I want to be strong, capable. Maybe it's prideful. Bad/terrible/crazy things happen to every one. But some seem to handle it, deal with it in such a way that it doesn't cripple them. I want to be that person.

But right now it is crippling. And I'm tired.

Trying

Tonight, I'm frustrated.

I'm trying to let it go, because there isn't anything I can really do to change anything. But it is still so dang frustrating.

I'll explain. My mother in law (which henceforth will be MIL) just had surgery this last week. It was a pretty big deal, enough that she needs extra help to do things, and she isn't able to drive for a while. My one SIL took most of the week off to stay with her mom and take care of her. There are two more siblings in this family. Both of whom are adults. But my BIL is too drunk to help and the other SIL can barely take care of herself. SIL #1 can only take so much time off, and needed to get home to her family and her work. And here we are, far away, and can't really do a darn thing. Neither my husband or I can just hop on a plane and go as we have too many responsibilities here.

And I'm frustrated at a few other things. How did I get myself into a family with such dysfunction?? I know there are families out there that are infinitely worse. And my family has it's own special dysfunctions. I guess it's just frustrating to see children who grew up with the same family dynamics as my husband and my SIL (who are only half siblings. the other SIL is my husbands only full blooded sibling) can produce such utter and complete opposites. I guess it comes down to choice. But it still doesn't keep me from wanting to shake them. For my husband all of this is normal, and doesn't seem to phase him or bother him like it bothers me.

So, I just sit here, thinking of round about ways to help my MIL. And trying not to be frustrated with those that are there that SHOULD be helping their mother but aren't. Or can't. Or are making such a gigantic mess of their lives....anyway.......See, I'm trying to let it go.....

Resolutions

I know that the majority of the blogging world is probably posting all about their resolutions for the new year, or reviewing the last year, or something along those lines.

What I have to say is somewhat along those same lines, but not quite.

For the last few years, I have gotten many 'new starts'. We have moved frequently, and I've almost come to look forward to the moving because of that. I get to go somewhere that no one (usually) knows me. They don't know my parents or my grandparents. And I get a chance to change a part of me that needs changing, to reevaluate what my goals are for this next step in my life, and how much effort I'm willing to put out. Because, I'll tell you, when you're only going to be somewhere for a year or less, you need to use your energy and time wisely.

We have lived in our current location for a little over a year and a half. And I miss moving. It is sort of a selfish thing. I don't get that chance to start over. To leave all my mistakes behind me in the old place, and get to start again in a new one. While moving is a HUGE hassle (we've been married 9 1/2 years, and we've moved 9 times) I had started to look forward to it. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL looking forward to it, it just isn't going to be as soon as the other moves.

So, this year, rather than make specific goals, I'm going to choose a mantra to keep with me as I go throughout the year, and hopefully it sticks and I hold onto it for the rest of my life. It is this: Let it go. I allow myself to get worked up and angry/irritated/frustrated about so many things that don't really matter, nor can I change any of them!! Then I say things I shouldn't. And I hate it. I have had such a hard time letting go for most of my life that I say it's time that I let all of that go. If something starts to bother me, well, I just need to let it go. I need to be wise in what I allow bother me. If it regards any member of my little family, then, I might need to keep it and see what I can do. If it has to do with anyone or anything else, well, it will just be let go.

One big GIANT huge thing that I need to let go of is my husbands father. While my feelings regarding him have progressed (I no longer feel angry, most of the time, at him), I really need to just let it go. While I still feel as if the other shoe has yet to drop, I will probably deal with it better if I could let go of the past two years, and look forward to a year without him. And just let it go. There are some other, smaller, things that I need to let go of. And if I can do this big thing, I KNOW I can do these small ones.

Here's to letting it all go......

Sunday night thoughts

Our book for our book group this month is Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. I've been trying to read it, and the story isn't that bad. I just feel like I'm reading Dickens, or Hugo. All these paragraphs describing these minute details of a hill or a bird or something that I could just care less about. I want to know what is going to happen between Gabriel and Bathsheba!! Get to the point! I'm doing better with this book than I did with the last one. Last month was Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. I got to page 35 and had to stop. I was done. I'm not a big sci-fi fan in the first place, but I did give it a try. Next month is Freakonomics. Looking forward to that one.

Both my kids and my husband have been home for the last two weeks. While that can be great, it can also be terrible. We've had wet and then freezing weather, which makes it very hard for children to get their energy out by playing outside. And, with everyone home, my house has been a wreck. There have been lots of arguments and fights between my children too. And then this last week my husband got sick, and hasn't been able to do the things that he was wanting to do. I have to admit, I am looking forward to having the house to myself tomorrow to do what needs to be done without the distractions of other people in my house.

This last week, for the third time, I was asked for the name and number of my therapist. This might seem funny to be glad about something like that, but I am. I am glad that I am open enough to share with others that I see one. All of us are struggling with so many things, I wish there were less shame and more empowerment when it came to seeing a therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. Trying to make positive changes in your life is brave, and should be applauded, not looked down on. I hope that the friends I've referred get what they need.

I guess that is only three things. And now that I've got that out of my system, I am off to bed. Or at least I'll go to bed soon.....

YES!!

So, thanks to a quick google search, and KTLA 5, I was able to watch some of the parade LIVE this morning!!! If I had gotten up earlier, I would have been able to watch the entire thing live. But, as my eyes did not open until after 9am (partly because my husband had closed the door so all house/child noise was dulled, and because we have blinds that barely let any light in, not to mention staying up until almost 0100 because we were out at a new years party) I did not watch all of it live. But, thank goodness, the parade replays over and over and over again. So, I got to see my sky, my mountains, the marching bands, and listen to Stephanie and Bob narrate the entire thing. It did bother me that when the marching bands were playing (and Stephanie and Bob stopped talking for a minute) they muted the bands a bit and would have their 'the rose parade is brought to you commercial free by el pollo loco' or some other company. I wanted to listen to the bands!! But the El Pollo Loco killed me. What I would do for a decent fast food Mexican restaurant around here. Now, it is 1230, still in my pj's, I ate cookies and red vines for breakfast and lunch, and I need to get up and be productive. My husband started the dishwasher and cleaned off the counters while I watched the parade. I suppose I should take a shower now.....

Happy New Year!!!